NFTF: Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show, Part IV

Miss Leo: Py, if this is you, what Chinese Goddess is named for a revered Mushroom? Tell me quick, before I unleash my protectors.

Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you. We are outside your house. We are inside your shop. We have been here. All along.

[Laughter. Whispering. Static.]

Spandau: Miss Leo, I don't know where these sounds are coming from.

Miss Leo: Hold on tight, honey, I think we're in for a bumpy ride.

MUSIC: Old-timey Americana in a minor key.

ANNOUNCER: And now, it's time for another episode of: Madame Fortuna's Auspicious Hexology Show! Brought to you by Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic Cigarettes, The Cigarette That Brings Health -- AND Wealth! When you're down on your luck and nobody loves you, smoke Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic: You're Sure To Live Longer!

Miss Janelle: Who the hell is that?

MUSIC: Spooky Banjo Sting

ANNOUNCER: When last we left Madame Fortuna, she and her intrepid band of Hexological Investigators, the faithful and clever Yokohama -- Asiatic Man of Mysterious Inclinations -- and the sarcastic but soft-hearted Miss Pearly Wisdom -- A Voodoo Negress of the American South -- were zeroing in on a house of darkness and loss, a house located in the small, twisting, labyrinthine streets of the Town of Zephyr Township, California, located fifty miles Northeast of San Francisco, just off the Lincoln Highway and just up the slough from Grizzly Bay.

Miss Leo: Whoever you are, can you hear us?

FORTUNA: Do you think they can hear us, Yokohama?

Miss Janelle: Weird.

YOKOHAMA: Seem unlikely, lovely lady. Lights low, look: lonely house.

PEARLY WISDOM: Mmm-hmm, shoot: that there house don' look like nobody been inside it since God was a glimmer in a Titan's eye.

YOKOHAMA: (laughing) Pearly speak clever words, but also truth.

Miss Leo: This has got to be a prank.

FORTUNA: If this is a prank, there's only one way to find out: I'm about ready to walk myself up to that door and knock.

PEARLY WISDOM: Honeychile, if you go knockin' on Trouble's door, sho Trouble gonna answer an' invite you in.

Spandau: Should we add a disclaimer that our show is not usually a festival of racism?

YOKOHAMA: We have racing festival in village of my childhood: happy is the man who wins the race running backward.

FORTUNA: You may be right, Yokohama: walking up and knocking could be dangerous.

PEARLY WISDOM: Ain't that what I jes say?

FORTUNA: Pearly, if we're going to find Mister Maxwell, Prince Edwardian and the Lady V, we're all going to have to work together.

PEARLY WISDOM: Shoot, you don' havta tell me twice!

MUSIC: Banjo ba-dang-dang!

YOKOHAMA: Madame Fortuna, look! A light in lower lanai!

FORTUNA: Saints Be Praised and bless your slanty eyes, Yokohama. Let's get in for a closer look.

SFX: Footsteps, shrubberies being pushed aside

Magister Py: I don't know who you are or how you got here, but there's bound to be some inquiry if I nobody hears from me soon.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: He knows not the loss of hearing, he sees not the crooked path.

Magister Py: Is there something I'm supposed to take from that, or are you practicing for your kids' talent show?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Not all jokes are as endearing as the secret trick he hath.

Magister Py: What is that in your hand?
     Oh good God, no. Please. Please don't ...

SFX: Twinkling, buzzing, drilling sound.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: [laughing]

Magister Py: [screaming]

MUSIC: Old-Timey Americana Banjo Sting, into:

ANNOUNCER: Friends, are you down on your luck?

PEARLY WISDOM: Where he come from?!

ANNOUNCER: Money troubles? Mother-In-Law moving in? Lost your love? Lost your knack? Lost your bing-bang-bajinga?

Magister Py: [screaming]

ANNOUNCER: Down to your last dollar? Well, head on down to the local store and pick up a dollar pack of Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic Cigarettes, The Cigarette That Brings Health -- AND Wealth! 


MYSTERIOUS VOICE: [laughing]

Magister Py: [screaming]


ANNOUNCER: Fandango Jimijam's tobacco is fine, imported American Kentucky Cavendish -- Imported, so you know it's Quality. Then it's slow-charcoal-roasted, to bring out that smooth, soothing flavor you know you love.

SFX: Twinkling drill, grinding.

Magister Py: [screaming]

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: [laughing]

PEARLY WISDOM: Seriously, now: what was this fool doing in those bushes?

Miss Leo: Planting the desire for Fandango Whosie's cigarettes, apparently.

FORTUNA: I don't know, but right about now I could use a cigarette.

ANNOUNCER: And Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic Cigarettes are longer, for the steady draw and the cool smoke guaranteed to be Cough-less. That's right, folks: Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic: The Cough-less Cigarette!

MUSIC: Old-timey Americana Banjo and Harmonica Sting.

ANNOUNCER: Let's return now to Madame Fortuna and her Hopalong Hexologists, the inscrutable Yokohama and the wisecracking Pearly Wisdom: they're hiding in the bushes outside a dilapidated old house in the Township of Zephyrtown, California.

SFX: Crickets, twinkling buzzdrill.


Magister Py: [screaming]

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: [laughing]


Miss Leo: Maybe we can direct them with our words, since they appear to pick up on what we say in a vague kind of way.

FORTUNA: We need a way to get directly in there without being seen.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Give the secret you have hidden, let me know the quaking date.

Magister Py: Please ... please ...


PEARLY WISDOM: You wanna go in there?

Miss Leo: We have to go in there. I want to know who is tormenting Magister Py.

FORTUNA: We have to go in there. Yokohama, what do your Ancestors tell you? Who is the mysterious man in there?


MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Do as I've politely bidden, else accept unpleasant fate.

YOKOHAMA: Aura of house almost as dark as Pearly.

PEARLY WISDOM: Sounds like Yoko's turnin' yeller. Oop -- too late.

YOKOHAMA: Wherever mysterious gentleman stand, his face hidden. 

Magister Py: I don't ... understand ... what you want ...

FORTUNA: Even hidden from your Ancestors?

YOKOHAMA: Hai, Fortuna-san.

SFX: Twinkling buzzdrill digging into flesh, bone.

Magister Py: [screaming -- then stops]

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Now unconscious, you are drifting: deep within you try to hide. I can follow, knowledge sifting, slicing from within, inside.

Miss Leo: Go inside and help him, damn it!

FORTUNA: Yokohama, you go around that side of the house, look for a way in; Pearly Wisdom, you go the other way and work your shiny Voodoo magic.

YOKOHAMA: Hai, Fortuna-san.

PEARLY WISDOM: Oh, it's shiny alright.

SFX: Two sets of footsteps moving off in opposite directions as:
SFX: -- POOF --

Professor Zingiber: Hello and Good Evening.

Miss Leo: Is that the Professor?!

FORTUNA: Holy Mother of God!

Professor Zingiber: Ah, yes: I can see that I startled you. But perhaps you can assist me in rescuing Magister Py?

SFX: Moans, squishing earth, mud.

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ...

Professor Zingiber: Oh, dear. It would appear that we've awakened the guard dogs.