[The following was left on an answering machine, in the hopes that a specific individual would hear it. Unfortunately, the machine was switched for a new digital phone / answering machine shortly after this message was left, and it is not known if the intended recipient has received -- or ever will receive -- this message.]
[static, screeching metal, straining engine]
Dr. H.: Ah, good evening --
[thud, a shout from a female]
Dr. H.: Your mother sends her regards. We're having a ... spot of bother up here. We're on Croatia Road, near Suisun. Give us a call --
[message ends]
-- BEEP --
[screeching voices and screeching claws on metal and glass, engine roaring, sound of blows on exterior of car]
Dr. H.: Your mother asked me to call you again --
The Mrs (in the background): Oh, give me that --
[scrabbling, a thud, more scrabbling, then:]
The Mrs (cont.): Your father dropped the phone. Big surprise. Honey, we need your help. We're on Cordelia Road, not Croatia -- man, his brain is --
[crash, breaking class]
Dr. H. (in background while The Mrs. shouts into the phone):
Umbellularia Californica! Ah-ha! Yes, and Rubus Ursinus! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ocimum Basilicum and fuck your self, sir! Rubus Argutus! No? How 'bout some Rosmarinus Officinalis!? Try a little Rubus Fruticosus on for size! Syzygium Aromaticum I say unto ye! And blessed be the Rubus Ulmifolius!, but none so pro-pro-pro-tective and auspicious as Cinnamomum Veronicum!
The Mrs (shouting over Dr. H.): We know you probably have rehearsal tonight, but if you can spare a minute to come up here and help us out it would be lovely!
(to Dr. H.) Jesus Christ, you sound like Dumbledore in a spice shop!
(to phone) Your father took us away from a Dog Club meeting to go help one of his damn fool Friends of Pickwick, or whatever they call themselves! We're at the stop sign --
[crash or thud, screeching and shouting that thins out into one long electronic whine and then cuts off]
-- BEEP --
Dr. H. (whispering): Son, we really need your help. We're in a culvert some distance from the car, your mother stumbled and hit her head. There seems to be someone near the car, I don't know if it's the figure I saw outside before I called you, or ... if it's ... someone new. Looks familiar, but too far to tell; if that's you, get out of there: you do not want to deal with those things. I grabbed my kit, I can treat your mother and hold them at bay if they catch our scent. But we only have a short time before --
-- BEEP --
Friday, May 24, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
NFTF: Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show, Part IV
Miss Leo: Py, if this is you, what Chinese Goddess is named for a revered Mushroom? Tell me quick, before I unleash my protectors.
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you. We are outside your house. We are inside your shop. We have been here. All along.
[Laughter. Whispering. Static.]
Spandau: Miss Leo, I don't know where these sounds are coming from.
Miss Leo: Hold on tight, honey, I think we're in for a bumpy ride.
MUSIC: Old-timey Americana in a minor key.
ANNOUNCER: And now, it's time for another episode of: Madame Fortuna's Auspicious Hexology Show! Brought to you by Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic Cigarettes, The Cigarette That Brings Health -- AND Wealth! When you're down on your luck and nobody loves you, smoke Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic: You're Sure To Live Longer!
Miss Janelle: Who the hell is that?
MUSIC: Spooky Banjo Sting
ANNOUNCER: When last we left Madame Fortuna, she and her intrepid band of Hexological Investigators, the faithful and clever Yokohama -- Asiatic Man of Mysterious Inclinations -- and the sarcastic but soft-hearted Miss Pearly Wisdom -- A Voodoo Negress of the American South -- were zeroing in on a house of darkness and loss, a house located in the small, twisting, labyrinthine streets of the Town of Zephyr Township, California, located fifty miles Northeast of San Francisco, just off the Lincoln Highway and just up the slough from Grizzly Bay.
Miss Leo: Whoever you are, can you hear us?
FORTUNA: Do you think they can hear us, Yokohama?
Miss Janelle: Weird.
YOKOHAMA: Seem unlikely, lovely lady. Lights low, look: lonely house.
PEARLY WISDOM: Mmm-hmm, shoot: that there house don' look like nobody been inside it since God was a glimmer in a Titan's eye.
YOKOHAMA: (laughing) Pearly speak clever words, but also truth.
Miss Leo: This has got to be a prank.
FORTUNA: If this is a prank, there's only one way to find out: I'm about ready to walk myself up to that door and knock.
PEARLY WISDOM: Honeychile, if you go knockin' on Trouble's door, sho Trouble gonna answer an' invite you in.
Spandau: Should we add a disclaimer that our show is not usually a festival of racism?
YOKOHAMA: We have racing festival in village of my childhood: happy is the man who wins the race running backward.
FORTUNA: You may be right, Yokohama: walking up and knocking could be dangerous.
PEARLY WISDOM: Ain't that what I jes say?
FORTUNA: Pearly, if we're going to find Mister Maxwell, Prince Edwardian and the Lady V, we're all going to have to work together.
PEARLY WISDOM: Shoot, you don' havta tell me twice!
MUSIC: Banjo ba-dang-dang!
YOKOHAMA: Madame Fortuna, look! A light in lower lanai!
FORTUNA: Saints Be Praised and bless your slanty eyes, Yokohama. Let's get in for a closer look.
SFX: Footsteps, shrubberies being pushed aside
Magister Py: I don't know who you are or how you got here, but there's bound to be some inquiry if I nobody hears from me soon.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: He knows not the loss of hearing, he sees not the crooked path.
Magister Py: Is there something I'm supposed to take from that, or are you practicing for your kids' talent show?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Not all jokes are as endearing as the secret trick he hath.
Magister Py: What is that in your hand?
Oh good God, no. Please. Please don't ...
SFX: Twinkling, buzzing, drilling sound.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: [laughing]
Magister Py: [screaming]
MUSIC: Old-Timey Americana Banjo Sting, into:
ANNOUNCER: Friends, are you down on your luck?
PEARLY WISDOM: Where he come from?!
ANNOUNCER: Money troubles? Mother-In-Law moving in? Lost your love? Lost your knack? Lost your bing-bang-bajinga?
Magister Py: [screaming]
ANNOUNCER: Down to your last dollar? Well, head on down to the local store and pick up a dollar pack of Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic Cigarettes, The Cigarette That Brings Health -- AND Wealth!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: [laughing]
Magister Py: [screaming]
ANNOUNCER: Fandango Jimijam's tobacco is fine, imported American Kentucky Cavendish -- Imported, so you know it's Quality. Then it's slow-charcoal-roasted, to bring out that smooth, soothing flavor you know you love.
SFX: Twinkling drill, grinding.
Magister Py: [screaming]
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: [laughing]
PEARLY WISDOM: Seriously, now: what was this fool doing in those bushes?
Miss Leo: Planting the desire for Fandango Whosie's cigarettes, apparently.
FORTUNA: I don't know, but right about now I could use a cigarette.
ANNOUNCER: And Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic Cigarettes are longer, for the steady draw and the cool smoke guaranteed to be Cough-less. That's right, folks: Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic: The Cough-less Cigarette!
MUSIC: Old-timey Americana Banjo and Harmonica Sting.
ANNOUNCER: Let's return now to Madame Fortuna and her Hopalong Hexologists, the inscrutable Yokohama and the wisecracking Pearly Wisdom: they're hiding in the bushes outside a dilapidated old house in the Township of Zephyrtown, California.
SFX: Crickets, twinkling buzzdrill.
Magister Py: [screaming]
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: [laughing]
Miss Leo: Maybe we can direct them with our words, since they appear to pick up on what we say in a vague kind of way.
FORTUNA: We need a way to get directly in there without being seen.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Give the secret you have hidden, let me know the quaking date.
Magister Py: Please ... please ...
PEARLY WISDOM: You wanna go in there?
Miss Leo: We have to go in there. I want to know who is tormenting Magister Py.
FORTUNA: We have to go in there. Yokohama, what do your Ancestors tell you? Who is the mysterious man in there?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Do as I've politely bidden, else accept unpleasant fate.
YOKOHAMA: Aura of house almost as dark as Pearly.
PEARLY WISDOM: Sounds like Yoko's turnin' yeller. Oop -- too late.
YOKOHAMA: Wherever mysterious gentleman stand, his face hidden.
Magister Py: I don't ... understand ... what you want ...
FORTUNA: Even hidden from your Ancestors?
YOKOHAMA: Hai, Fortuna-san.
SFX: Twinkling buzzdrill digging into flesh, bone.
Magister Py: [screaming -- then stops]
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Now unconscious, you are drifting: deep within you try to hide. I can follow, knowledge sifting, slicing from within, inside.
Miss Leo: Go inside and help him, damn it!
FORTUNA: Yokohama, you go around that side of the house, look for a way in; Pearly Wisdom, you go the other way and work your shiny Voodoo magic.
YOKOHAMA: Hai, Fortuna-san.
PEARLY WISDOM: Oh, it's shiny alright.
SFX: Two sets of footsteps moving off in opposite directions as:
SFX: -- POOF --
Professor Zingiber: Hello and Good Evening.
Miss Leo: Is that the Professor?!
FORTUNA: Holy Mother of God!
Professor Zingiber: Ah, yes: I can see that I startled you. But perhaps you can assist me in rescuing Magister Py?
SFX: Moans, squishing earth, mud.
MOANING VOICES: ... brains ...
Professor Zingiber: Oh, dear. It would appear that we've awakened the guard dogs.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
NFTF: Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show, Part III
<<::transmission data-escaped-restored::="">>
Miss Leo: Well, now: it looks like we're back on the air. I ... you know, I think it best -- in the interest of posterity -- that I maintain as much transparency with y'all as I possibly can, so I'm going to tell you what we know, what we don't know and what we are doing about it. Also, as our transmission was interrupted and this is technically a new session, I am not certain if RadioBlog will allow us to append this second portion to the earlier portion; so I'll explain for those of our listeners who are only just joining us: our transmission was interrupted during an earlier call, and we're trying to find out what on earth has happened.
Miss Janelle: I think that's a very good idea, Miss Leo, and --
Miss Leo: Thank you, Miss Janelle.
Miss Janelle: And I can see in the Chat Room that there are a lot of questions and a lot of people very concerned about Magister Pythagoras and that last caller, Denise, and so I sure hope we can help everyone feel at ease.
Miss Leo: You are such a sweetheart, Miss Janelle, and, gosh, I sure hope we can help people feel better, but I guess we should just start with what we know. Do you think so?
Miss Janelle: Oh, yes Ma'am, Miss Leo, I do.
Miss Leo: Well, here's what we know: during that last call -- our first call of tonight's show -- a woman calling herself Denise and claiming to be sleep-deprived for months due to dreams of a cataclysmic volcanic earthquake, asked for our help. And Magister Py was the fellow who started her reading, and it was during his opening incantation that Denise began to do something very odd. It sounded, for all of you who haven't heard it, like it was some kind of chanting, and I know I heard some Latin in there, but there were words of a language I don't recognize.
Now, I'm seeing in the Chat that some people have questions about where Rev. Tal has gone, and that actually brings me perfectly to my next piece of business, which is what we don't know: we don't know ... Well. First off, we don't know what happened to Magister Py. When the transmission was interrupted, we lost all contact with him. Spandau and Sister Murray have been calling and texting him since we were bumped off the air, but we haven't got a response. For a time, all they got was a busy signal. So we have some local members of RARE, Readers and Rootworkers Extraordinaire, and they're heading over to his house right now to check on him.
Miss Janelle: And just so you all know, they bumped out of the Chat Room the minute we lost our transmission.
Miss Leo: Right! Yes, thank you, Miss Janelle: several people in the Chat have been asking about those members of RARE who seemed to disappear from Chat simultaneously with our interrupted broadcast, so let me just list the names of the people who left immediately and are on their way: we've got Madamiana, Doctor H., Edward Teacher, and Professor Zingiber. For those of you who know them, you know that those four are perfectly suited to checking on Magister Pythagoras, and I've had a call from Professor Zingiber, who says that if they can, they will call in from Suisun City when they know more about what has happened.
Miss Janelle: It's a little eerie that those four professionals all live close enough to Magister Py that they can be there quick enough to help him.
Miss Leo: Well, not all of them live that close. We have a couple special projects we've been working on, and it's lucky, I guess, that they're local tonight. Or maybe luck had nothing to do with it; that's the way it works sometimes: we're in trouble, we're in need, and help is at hand. Or help arrives too late. I sincerely hope it's the former. Now: as to where Rev. Tal has gone, it's very simple: he's gone to what he likes to call Trance-sylvania.
Miss Janelle (laughing): Oh goodness ...
Miss Leo: Well, that's what he calls it. I've never been to the Right Reverend's domicile before, but I've seen some anagraphically-treated photos and he's got a room set up with some very specific altars. It looks, from what I've seen, more like a closet than a room, but that's because there are altars set up almost everywhere you look.
Miss Janelle: Like M.C. Escher.
Miss Leo: Right! Like Escher's Ascending and Descending, you know, the picture that looks like, well, what now looks to me like the houses and townhouses in so many recent tract home subdivision monstrosities -- architecturally, you understand, some of them are lovely, but the waste of land, the devouring of open space, the irresponsible planning for things like water and drainage -- well, I could go on all night about this. But the point is, that the inside of Rev. Tal's Trance-Sylvania Station literally has altars everywhere: on the walls, on the ceiling, on the floor, on the door, in the air and on a chair. He has altars just for love, he has them below, above; he has altars in and out, altars for erasing doubt. He has altered altars, too: altars change from red to blue. Altars ev'rywhere, just so; where they come from, he don't know.
Miss Janelle: That -- that was nice, Miss Leo --
Miss Leo: Not sure why that happens, but it happens, so I let it happen.
Anyway: Rev. Tal tells me that he sits in there and achieves trance state by whatever means most suited to the question at hand, and I've never seen what comes next but I have it on good authority that the reason he has altars all over the place in there is that he will be literally, bodily drawn to the one he needs, and that Spirit lifts him and carries him there.
Miss Janelle: Like levitation?
Miss Leo: No, it's not like levitation. Not like levitation -- it is levitation!
Miss Janelle: Holy cow.
Miss Leo: So that's what Rev. Tal is probably doing right now, he's in there getting ready. I know he probably doesn't have his radio on in there, so let's send him a shout-out right now, just to let him know we love him and were thinking about him while he was going inward to check on Magister Py.
So, now, in a way I've clarified everything: what we're doing about this is sending some of the best Rootworkers in the business to check on our colleagues, and we'll be fielding calls from any who can check in, as best we are able.
Miss Janelle: What about Denise?
Miss Leo: That's an excellent question. Denise, to remind everyone, is the lady who called in with the bad dreams, the one who seems to have been afflicted in some way ... and you know, Miss Janelle, it's hard to say. I don't know if we should help her or leave her to her fate. I know that sounds hard-hearted, but we don't know right now if she did this on purpose or if it happened to her while she was calling us. I imagine we'll know more as soon as we --
Spandau: Miss Leo? I have Doctor H. on the line, he's calling in from Cordelia Road, he says --
Miss Leo: Oh! Yes! Put him on!
Spandau: Connecting him now ...
Miss Leo: Doctor H.? Are you there?
[Background noises: screeching, scraping claws on metal and glass, engine straining]
Doc: Yes indeed, my dear, I am here. I have what I suspect is limited time to make this call, so I thought that I would alert you to what we're working with here.
Miss Leo: Okay ... what is that horrible sound, Doctor H.?
Doc: We are approaching a stop sign here on Cordelia road, heading East into Suisun City; we've just passed a farm and some houses near a hard right turn in the road, and we are driving very slowly. Not because we want to be, but because there is something -- or there are some things -- holding onto the car and holding us back. I don't know if you can hear it --
Miss Leo: Oh, I can hear it, alright: that's a horrible, horrible sound!
Doc: I can see claw marks in the hood of the car, I can even see them scraping across the windshield and my passenger-side window --
Miss Leo: Doctor H., do you mean you can see the claws -- ?
Doc: No, no -- I can only see the marks. The claws -- if they are claws -- are not visible to the naked eye.
Miss Leo: Doctor H., get out of there! Turn around and go!
Doc: Sadly, my dear, we've already tried that: trying to reverse the car, the claws pull us the other way. It appears we are being held here -- ...pose, I do not -- [static] if we can [static] was, it was waiting for us here.
Miss Leo: Doctor H., you're breaking up.
Doc: Not surprising [static] light [static] figure approaching the car [static]
Miss Leo: What the fuck is going on out there? Is there anyone else in that region who can go check on Doctor H.?
[silence]
Miss Leo (cont.): Hello? Doctor H.?
Spandau: We lost him, I'll try to get him back.
Miss Janelle: Should we try to get anyone else on the line, Miss Leo?
Miss Leo: No! Best avoided until we know more, honey, sorry: I trust that they'll call if and when they can. But someone, anyone listening in the 707 who is near Fairfield or Vacaville or even Vallejo!, get over there and see if you can help out good old Doctor H.! Somebody help him!
Spandau: I have another call, connecting now --
Professor Zingiber: Hello, Leocadia.
Miss Leo: Professor Zingiber?! Where are you, are you okay?!
Professor Zingiber: There is something surrounding the city of Suisun City, Leocadia. We were rebuffed trying to drive in from the East on Highway 12. Something has pursued us from that point, and we've taken ... evasive action.
Miss Leo: What kind of evasive action.
Professor Zingiber: We have driven our car into the Suisun Slough.
Miss Leo: Wait, wait ... what? You've driven -- ? Into the water?
Professor Zingiber: The thing which is preventing our entry, or the things, whatever they are -- I've been listening to she show via my iPad as we've driven in -- wants us off the road. It tried to throw our car across the highway into oncoming traffic. This street we were just on, it ran down here past a little yacht club and some last houses, and there was the water. I thought, ah yes? Water? Water is not a road, so perhaps we can drive in on the water.
Miss Leo: What are you telling me, Professor Zingiber?
Professor Zingiber: I'm telling you that we are driving in the water, dearest. We are driving past some yachts and boats, I can see the back of that Greek restaurant of which Py is so fond.
Miss Leo: You have got to be kidding me! What are you driving, Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang?
Professor Zingiber: I am driving a 1986 Honda Accord LX-i, manual transmission.
Miss Leo: Are they ... known for buoyancy?
Professor Zingiber: Not. At. All. I'm going to hang up, now, because we need to moor the car at a little landing I can see, but know this: whatever is happening in Suisun City tonight, so powerfully wants us not to get in and help Magister Py, that its strength of focus, its concentration, is altering the very fabric of nature and physics. Possibly even time itself.
Miss Leo: Professor Zingiber, Professor Zingiber, before you go: what is it like to drive in water?
Professor Zingiber: It's like snow. Only much thicker. Oops --
[click]
Spandau: The Professor disconnected.
Miss Leo: Holy ... wow. This is. I have to ask: is this all a complex early April Fool's prank? Y'all need to tell me, because I'm an old lady and it's not nice to play tricks.
Miss Janelle: If it's a prank, it's the best one I've ever heard.
Spandau: We've got another call, but there's no area code --
Madamiana's Voice: -- I think we can go on foot from here.
Miss Leo: Madamiana?
Madamiana's Voice: Wait, stop, duck. ... See that?
Miss Leo: Honey, can you hear us? We're -- we want to know --
[another voice, murmuring]
Madamiana's Voice: I think it sees us.
Other Voice: Oh my God!
Madamiana's Voice: Run. Run!
[scrabble, thud/crack, line cuts off]
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo.
...
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you.
Miss Leo: ... Py ... ?
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you. We are outside your house.
Miss Janelle: What the ... ?
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you. We are outside your house. We are inside your shop.
Miss Leo: Py, if this is you, what Chinese Goddess is named for a revered Mushroom? Tell me quick, before I unleash my protectors.
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you. We are outside your house. We are inside your shop. We have been here. All along.
[Laughter. Whispering. Static.]
Miss Leo: Well, now: it looks like we're back on the air. I ... you know, I think it best -- in the interest of posterity -- that I maintain as much transparency with y'all as I possibly can, so I'm going to tell you what we know, what we don't know and what we are doing about it. Also, as our transmission was interrupted and this is technically a new session, I am not certain if RadioBlog will allow us to append this second portion to the earlier portion; so I'll explain for those of our listeners who are only just joining us: our transmission was interrupted during an earlier call, and we're trying to find out what on earth has happened.
Miss Janelle: I think that's a very good idea, Miss Leo, and --
Miss Leo: Thank you, Miss Janelle.
Miss Janelle: And I can see in the Chat Room that there are a lot of questions and a lot of people very concerned about Magister Pythagoras and that last caller, Denise, and so I sure hope we can help everyone feel at ease.
Miss Leo: You are such a sweetheart, Miss Janelle, and, gosh, I sure hope we can help people feel better, but I guess we should just start with what we know. Do you think so?
Miss Janelle: Oh, yes Ma'am, Miss Leo, I do.
Miss Leo: Well, here's what we know: during that last call -- our first call of tonight's show -- a woman calling herself Denise and claiming to be sleep-deprived for months due to dreams of a cataclysmic volcanic earthquake, asked for our help. And Magister Py was the fellow who started her reading, and it was during his opening incantation that Denise began to do something very odd. It sounded, for all of you who haven't heard it, like it was some kind of chanting, and I know I heard some Latin in there, but there were words of a language I don't recognize.
Now, I'm seeing in the Chat that some people have questions about where Rev. Tal has gone, and that actually brings me perfectly to my next piece of business, which is what we don't know: we don't know ... Well. First off, we don't know what happened to Magister Py. When the transmission was interrupted, we lost all contact with him. Spandau and Sister Murray have been calling and texting him since we were bumped off the air, but we haven't got a response. For a time, all they got was a busy signal. So we have some local members of RARE, Readers and Rootworkers Extraordinaire, and they're heading over to his house right now to check on him.
Miss Janelle: And just so you all know, they bumped out of the Chat Room the minute we lost our transmission.
Miss Leo: Right! Yes, thank you, Miss Janelle: several people in the Chat have been asking about those members of RARE who seemed to disappear from Chat simultaneously with our interrupted broadcast, so let me just list the names of the people who left immediately and are on their way: we've got Madamiana, Doctor H., Edward Teacher, and Professor Zingiber. For those of you who know them, you know that those four are perfectly suited to checking on Magister Pythagoras, and I've had a call from Professor Zingiber, who says that if they can, they will call in from Suisun City when they know more about what has happened.
Miss Janelle: It's a little eerie that those four professionals all live close enough to Magister Py that they can be there quick enough to help him.
Miss Leo: Well, not all of them live that close. We have a couple special projects we've been working on, and it's lucky, I guess, that they're local tonight. Or maybe luck had nothing to do with it; that's the way it works sometimes: we're in trouble, we're in need, and help is at hand. Or help arrives too late. I sincerely hope it's the former. Now: as to where Rev. Tal has gone, it's very simple: he's gone to what he likes to call Trance-sylvania.
Miss Janelle (laughing): Oh goodness ...
Miss Leo: Well, that's what he calls it. I've never been to the Right Reverend's domicile before, but I've seen some anagraphically-treated photos and he's got a room set up with some very specific altars. It looks, from what I've seen, more like a closet than a room, but that's because there are altars set up almost everywhere you look.
Miss Janelle: Like M.C. Escher.
Miss Leo: Right! Like Escher's Ascending and Descending, you know, the picture that looks like, well, what now looks to me like the houses and townhouses in so many recent tract home subdivision monstrosities -- architecturally, you understand, some of them are lovely, but the waste of land, the devouring of open space, the irresponsible planning for things like water and drainage -- well, I could go on all night about this. But the point is, that the inside of Rev. Tal's Trance-Sylvania Station literally has altars everywhere: on the walls, on the ceiling, on the floor, on the door, in the air and on a chair. He has altars just for love, he has them below, above; he has altars in and out, altars for erasing doubt. He has altered altars, too: altars change from red to blue. Altars ev'rywhere, just so; where they come from, he don't know.
Miss Janelle: That -- that was nice, Miss Leo --
Miss Leo: Not sure why that happens, but it happens, so I let it happen.
Anyway: Rev. Tal tells me that he sits in there and achieves trance state by whatever means most suited to the question at hand, and I've never seen what comes next but I have it on good authority that the reason he has altars all over the place in there is that he will be literally, bodily drawn to the one he needs, and that Spirit lifts him and carries him there.
Miss Janelle: Like levitation?
Miss Leo: No, it's not like levitation. Not like levitation -- it is levitation!
Miss Janelle: Holy cow.
Miss Leo: So that's what Rev. Tal is probably doing right now, he's in there getting ready. I know he probably doesn't have his radio on in there, so let's send him a shout-out right now, just to let him know we love him and were thinking about him while he was going inward to check on Magister Py.
So, now, in a way I've clarified everything: what we're doing about this is sending some of the best Rootworkers in the business to check on our colleagues, and we'll be fielding calls from any who can check in, as best we are able.
Miss Janelle: What about Denise?
Miss Leo: That's an excellent question. Denise, to remind everyone, is the lady who called in with the bad dreams, the one who seems to have been afflicted in some way ... and you know, Miss Janelle, it's hard to say. I don't know if we should help her or leave her to her fate. I know that sounds hard-hearted, but we don't know right now if she did this on purpose or if it happened to her while she was calling us. I imagine we'll know more as soon as we --
Spandau: Miss Leo? I have Doctor H. on the line, he's calling in from Cordelia Road, he says --
Miss Leo: Oh! Yes! Put him on!
Spandau: Connecting him now ...
Miss Leo: Doctor H.? Are you there?
[Background noises: screeching, scraping claws on metal and glass, engine straining]
Doc: Yes indeed, my dear, I am here. I have what I suspect is limited time to make this call, so I thought that I would alert you to what we're working with here.
Miss Leo: Okay ... what is that horrible sound, Doctor H.?
Doc: We are approaching a stop sign here on Cordelia road, heading East into Suisun City; we've just passed a farm and some houses near a hard right turn in the road, and we are driving very slowly. Not because we want to be, but because there is something -- or there are some things -- holding onto the car and holding us back. I don't know if you can hear it --
Miss Leo: Oh, I can hear it, alright: that's a horrible, horrible sound!
Doc: I can see claw marks in the hood of the car, I can even see them scraping across the windshield and my passenger-side window --
Miss Leo: Doctor H., do you mean you can see the claws -- ?
Doc: No, no -- I can only see the marks. The claws -- if they are claws -- are not visible to the naked eye.
Miss Leo: Doctor H., get out of there! Turn around and go!
Doc: Sadly, my dear, we've already tried that: trying to reverse the car, the claws pull us the other way. It appears we are being held here -- ...pose, I do not -- [static] if we can [static] was, it was waiting for us here.
Miss Leo: Doctor H., you're breaking up.
Doc: Not surprising [static] light [static] figure approaching the car [static]
Miss Leo: What the fuck is going on out there? Is there anyone else in that region who can go check on Doctor H.?
[silence]
Miss Leo (cont.): Hello? Doctor H.?
Spandau: We lost him, I'll try to get him back.
Miss Janelle: Should we try to get anyone else on the line, Miss Leo?
Miss Leo: No! Best avoided until we know more, honey, sorry: I trust that they'll call if and when they can. But someone, anyone listening in the 707 who is near Fairfield or Vacaville or even Vallejo!, get over there and see if you can help out good old Doctor H.! Somebody help him!
Spandau: I have another call, connecting now --
Professor Zingiber: Hello, Leocadia.
Miss Leo: Professor Zingiber?! Where are you, are you okay?!
Professor Zingiber: There is something surrounding the city of Suisun City, Leocadia. We were rebuffed trying to drive in from the East on Highway 12. Something has pursued us from that point, and we've taken ... evasive action.
Miss Leo: What kind of evasive action.
Professor Zingiber: We have driven our car into the Suisun Slough.
Miss Leo: Wait, wait ... what? You've driven -- ? Into the water?
Professor Zingiber: The thing which is preventing our entry, or the things, whatever they are -- I've been listening to she show via my iPad as we've driven in -- wants us off the road. It tried to throw our car across the highway into oncoming traffic. This street we were just on, it ran down here past a little yacht club and some last houses, and there was the water. I thought, ah yes? Water? Water is not a road, so perhaps we can drive in on the water.
Miss Leo: What are you telling me, Professor Zingiber?
Professor Zingiber: I'm telling you that we are driving in the water, dearest. We are driving past some yachts and boats, I can see the back of that Greek restaurant of which Py is so fond.
Miss Leo: You have got to be kidding me! What are you driving, Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang?
Professor Zingiber: I am driving a 1986 Honda Accord LX-i, manual transmission.
Miss Leo: Are they ... known for buoyancy?
Professor Zingiber: Not. At. All. I'm going to hang up, now, because we need to moor the car at a little landing I can see, but know this: whatever is happening in Suisun City tonight, so powerfully wants us not to get in and help Magister Py, that its strength of focus, its concentration, is altering the very fabric of nature and physics. Possibly even time itself.
Miss Leo: Professor Zingiber, Professor Zingiber, before you go: what is it like to drive in water?
Professor Zingiber: It's like snow. Only much thicker. Oops --
[click]
Spandau: The Professor disconnected.
Miss Leo: Holy ... wow. This is. I have to ask: is this all a complex early April Fool's prank? Y'all need to tell me, because I'm an old lady and it's not nice to play tricks.
Miss Janelle: If it's a prank, it's the best one I've ever heard.
Spandau: We've got another call, but there's no area code --
Madamiana's Voice: -- I think we can go on foot from here.
Miss Leo: Madamiana?
Madamiana's Voice: Wait, stop, duck. ... See that?
Miss Leo: Honey, can you hear us? We're -- we want to know --
[another voice, murmuring]
Madamiana's Voice: I think it sees us.
Other Voice: Oh my God!
Madamiana's Voice: Run. Run!
[scrabble, thud/crack, line cuts off]
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo.
...
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you.
Miss Leo: ... Py ... ?
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you. We are outside your house.
Miss Janelle: What the ... ?
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you. We are outside your house. We are inside your shop.
Miss Leo: Py, if this is you, what Chinese Goddess is named for a revered Mushroom? Tell me quick, before I unleash my protectors.
Magister Py: Hello, Miss Leo. I've come to warn you. We are outside your house. We are inside your shop. We have been here. All along.
[Laughter. Whispering. Static.]
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
NFTF: Missed Missive V
[The following is hanging from the rafters of the large barn that Veronica should not have entered. It was hastily hand-printed on yellow legal pad paper, taped to a rope.]
VERONICA, GET OUT OF HERE!
GO OUTSIDE. LOOK UP AND TO THE RIGHT OF THE DAIRY BARN!
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU --
[It is clear that the author of this note was in a rush and in some way upset. The cause of this upset is unknowable at this juncture. However, it is noteworthy that on the back of the paper, in an entirely different hand, ink and style, the following is written:]
twice now two of you have teamed
once more there will be no light
thrice the brightly blossom beamed
ever after nothing bright
once your notes might home have reached
thrice the bell of anguish rung
twice the tainted peach is breached
nicely wrung from demon dung
fourth the loss of certain things
fifth of bourbon burning hot
going down or up it stings
scalds your belly, like as not
seventh before sixth un-luck
sex'd for pain of words unspoken
blood of unborn babies suck'd
broken sucking rhyme as token
eight the number of your doom
nothing nine shall happen here
locked in thickly padded room
scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream
whispering laughter is your only answer
bites and splinters are so fine that
none can send them, save for REINBLATT
[Each corner of the paper is marked with curious symbols, over which have been smeared what appear to be crushed moths. A webbing of some brittle and unidentifiable substance covers this side of the paper, and one or two edges appear to be crystallized, but this effect disappears in sunlight. When this side of the paper faces up, a smell of tooth rot permeates the area. It is theorized that this work is unfinished, as a series of interconnected symbols and lines terminate abruptly before reaching the lower right-hand corner of the paper. NOTE: Extreme caution is advised when handling this document; do not under any circumstances touch it to your forehead or groin, regardless of how strong the desire may seem; in no case should this document ever be exposed to the light of a full moon conjucnt Saturn and if at all possible should not be seen by human eyes during a new moon in Scorpio. See Hazel, Dark Hexing For Lost Chance, 1937; Cribbing's Ipswich Uncertainties & Jinxbane Shadowbook, 1862, is the definitive authority on the subject, but few if any copies remain in existence.]
VERONICA, GET OUT OF HERE!
GO OUTSIDE. LOOK UP AND TO THE RIGHT OF THE DAIRY BARN!
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU --
[It is clear that the author of this note was in a rush and in some way upset. The cause of this upset is unknowable at this juncture. However, it is noteworthy that on the back of the paper, in an entirely different hand, ink and style, the following is written:]
twice now two of you have teamed
once more there will be no light
thrice the brightly blossom beamed
ever after nothing bright
once your notes might home have reached
thrice the bell of anguish rung
twice the tainted peach is breached
nicely wrung from demon dung
fourth the loss of certain things
fifth of bourbon burning hot
going down or up it stings
scalds your belly, like as not
seventh before sixth un-luck
sex'd for pain of words unspoken
blood of unborn babies suck'd
broken sucking rhyme as token
eight the number of your doom
nothing nine shall happen here
locked in thickly padded room
scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream
whispering laughter is your only answer
bites and splinters are so fine that
none can send them, save for REINBLATT
[Each corner of the paper is marked with curious symbols, over which have been smeared what appear to be crushed moths. A webbing of some brittle and unidentifiable substance covers this side of the paper, and one or two edges appear to be crystallized, but this effect disappears in sunlight. When this side of the paper faces up, a smell of tooth rot permeates the area. It is theorized that this work is unfinished, as a series of interconnected symbols and lines terminate abruptly before reaching the lower right-hand corner of the paper. NOTE: Extreme caution is advised when handling this document; do not under any circumstances touch it to your forehead or groin, regardless of how strong the desire may seem; in no case should this document ever be exposed to the light of a full moon conjucnt Saturn and if at all possible should not be seen by human eyes during a new moon in Scorpio. See Hazel, Dark Hexing For Lost Chance, 1937; Cribbing's Ipswich Uncertainties & Jinxbane Shadowbook, 1862, is the definitive authority on the subject, but few if any copies remain in existence.]
Monday, May 20, 2013
NFTF: 'Time Traveler' Baffles Police At Local Ranch
By David Diabilo Contra Costa Times
May 21, 2005
San Ramon, California -- A homeless man claiming to be a time traveler was arrested on the grounds of a local ranch on Thursday. Police were called when a group of hikers spotted the man nailing notes to trees. One of the hikers, Betty Washington, said that the man seemed to be acting suspiciously. "Ordinarily, I say live and let live, but the way he was running from tree to tree, like he was being chased -- stopping and chanting or screaming gibberish at the air around him -- I don't know, I thought maybe he needed help."
Upon questioning, the man told police that he was a time traveler and that the fate of the ranch, the trees, the hikers and even the policemen depended upon his being left alone to do his "work." The owners of the ranch could not be contacted to obtain permission, so the man was taken into custody by Officer Tom Jeffries and Officer Jeff Thompson, both of whom are certain that the handcuffs they used were in perfect working order. According to Officer Thompson, the man was, "... visibly upset. All of a sudden he starts shouting, 'Veronica! Veronica! I know you can hear me somewhen and somehow! Reinblatt approaches! Reinblatt must be stopped!' His words were so weird, I can't forget them. Who the heck is Reinblatt? And the way he was shouting, the pain in his voice -- I know it sounds weird, but I almost believed him. Then he vomited all over himself and I thought, okay: junkie alert!"
Somewhere between the old dairy ranch and the Santa Rita jail, the gentleman in question appears to have given officers Jeffries and Thompson the slip. Said San Ramon Police Chief, Scott Holder, "We have statements from multiple eyewitnesses who saw the officers place the man securely in the back of their vehicle. There is no way out of the back of a police car unless the officers want you out of the back of their police car. I support my officers in their sworn statements that they did not stop anywhere along the way, and that they did not allow the gentleman any form of egress. As soon as we know precisely what happened, we will let you know." Chief Holder was not taking any further questions at that time, and subsequent inquiries have been directed to PR personnel who give a similar statement.
The homeless "time traveler" must have been hard at work in the forests around the old dairy ranch, as Betty Washington and her group of hikers shortly discovered. "We thought maybe he'd left more notes," said Washington. "And boy were we right: all of them crazy, all of them addressed to this 'Veronica' person. All of them signed, 'Edward.' Whoever she is, he loves her. But that guy is insane." Washington and her fellow hikers removed and recycled every note they found:, with a grand total of two hundred seven notes. Some nailed, some taped, some glued, some shellacked: all at about eye level for a woman of a little more than Betty Washington's height, 5'4".
Asked if she drew any conclusions from the homeless gentleman's apparent escape from the back of a locked police car, Washington had this to say: "Well, maybe he is a time traveler. But he shouldn't deface indigenous species of trees and he should take a bath. I'm sure soap and hot water have been around for a while, now."
May 21, 2005
San Ramon, California -- A homeless man claiming to be a time traveler was arrested on the grounds of a local ranch on Thursday. Police were called when a group of hikers spotted the man nailing notes to trees. One of the hikers, Betty Washington, said that the man seemed to be acting suspiciously. "Ordinarily, I say live and let live, but the way he was running from tree to tree, like he was being chased -- stopping and chanting or screaming gibberish at the air around him -- I don't know, I thought maybe he needed help."
Upon questioning, the man told police that he was a time traveler and that the fate of the ranch, the trees, the hikers and even the policemen depended upon his being left alone to do his "work." The owners of the ranch could not be contacted to obtain permission, so the man was taken into custody by Officer Tom Jeffries and Officer Jeff Thompson, both of whom are certain that the handcuffs they used were in perfect working order. According to Officer Thompson, the man was, "... visibly upset. All of a sudden he starts shouting, 'Veronica! Veronica! I know you can hear me somewhen and somehow! Reinblatt approaches! Reinblatt must be stopped!' His words were so weird, I can't forget them. Who the heck is Reinblatt? And the way he was shouting, the pain in his voice -- I know it sounds weird, but I almost believed him. Then he vomited all over himself and I thought, okay: junkie alert!"
Somewhere between the old dairy ranch and the Santa Rita jail, the gentleman in question appears to have given officers Jeffries and Thompson the slip. Said San Ramon Police Chief, Scott Holder, "We have statements from multiple eyewitnesses who saw the officers place the man securely in the back of their vehicle. There is no way out of the back of a police car unless the officers want you out of the back of their police car. I support my officers in their sworn statements that they did not stop anywhere along the way, and that they did not allow the gentleman any form of egress. As soon as we know precisely what happened, we will let you know." Chief Holder was not taking any further questions at that time, and subsequent inquiries have been directed to PR personnel who give a similar statement.
The homeless "time traveler" must have been hard at work in the forests around the old dairy ranch, as Betty Washington and her group of hikers shortly discovered. "We thought maybe he'd left more notes," said Washington. "And boy were we right: all of them crazy, all of them addressed to this 'Veronica' person. All of them signed, 'Edward.' Whoever she is, he loves her. But that guy is insane." Washington and her fellow hikers removed and recycled every note they found:, with a grand total of two hundred seven notes. Some nailed, some taped, some glued, some shellacked: all at about eye level for a woman of a little more than Betty Washington's height, 5'4".
Asked if she drew any conclusions from the homeless gentleman's apparent escape from the back of a locked police car, Washington had this to say: "Well, maybe he is a time traveler. But he shouldn't deface indigenous species of trees and he should take a bath. I'm sure soap and hot water have been around for a while, now."
Friday, May 17, 2013
NFTF: Missed Missive IV
[The following, printed on cardstock which, after writing, has been waterproofed with some variety of wood-sealer (or with a mixture of beeswax and orange oil, depending) is duct-taped to the trunk of an Oak tree behind the ranch house into which Veronica first bounds; alas, upon exiting the ranch house, she looks toward the barn and thus misses the useful information contained herein. Perhaps more care should be taken to scent missives so that her expanded olfactory awareness will draw her to something that smells like Edward. Sadly, the time to do so has clearly passed.]
Veronica,
You can save more lives by not going into the barn. This will seem counter-intuitive at first, but trust me: go to the area about ten yards from the front doors of the barn, face the old dairy barn from which you can hear the screaming, then turn and look at the middle hilltop up and to the right of the old dairy barn. If you do this and do it right now, everything will change in our favor. Don't read any further until you're there.
Now that you're in this spot, you will notice that there is a kind of bubble around you. Don't move, don't duck. Stand still and trust me. Someone just blocked a little beasty from swiping at you, yes? Good. STAY STILL and focus on that spot, that hilltop. It is the choice of stillness in the center of the hurricane that can transform our energy and thus alter our path.
When you are done reading this, crumple it immediately and toss it into the air like thistledown: blow on it and make a wish for help. Everything will change. Help will come. Without it, what waits in that dairy barn is too large and too powerful for Lady Henrietta's force, regardless of your transformed abilities and their superior firepower.
Crumple. Toss. Wish. Blow. NOW.
Love,
E
[Spattered with blood and grey matter from slaughtered minions of Torvald Mayberry, this missive nonetheless remains visible and legible for quite a while. Owing to the nature of duct tape, however, it will peel and fall within three weeks. As of this writing, three chances remain: 1) the approaching fire will consume the missive and possibly the tree; if this happens, the missive will neither peel nor fall, but will be burned to ash and never recovered; 2) Reinblatt the Obscurer will arrive to Obscure the missive with lye, spiders and juice of poisonous berries; should this come to pass, it is best that nobody with light in their heart ever find or even see this missive (Reinblatt, while utterly abhorrent, is nevertheless admirably talented in his evil); 3) Uncertainty may prevail: any number of heretofore unknown possibilities could arise to preserve or destroy this missive. There is some speculation that, should it be retrieved by a bird and used to build a nest, the missive will eventually be found, read, duplicated and placed elsewhere so that Veronica may read it in time to alter her path. How it will be found and by whom remain, as of this writing, a mystery.]
Veronica,
You can save more lives by not going into the barn. This will seem counter-intuitive at first, but trust me: go to the area about ten yards from the front doors of the barn, face the old dairy barn from which you can hear the screaming, then turn and look at the middle hilltop up and to the right of the old dairy barn. If you do this and do it right now, everything will change in our favor. Don't read any further until you're there.
Now that you're in this spot, you will notice that there is a kind of bubble around you. Don't move, don't duck. Stand still and trust me. Someone just blocked a little beasty from swiping at you, yes? Good. STAY STILL and focus on that spot, that hilltop. It is the choice of stillness in the center of the hurricane that can transform our energy and thus alter our path.
When you are done reading this, crumple it immediately and toss it into the air like thistledown: blow on it and make a wish for help. Everything will change. Help will come. Without it, what waits in that dairy barn is too large and too powerful for Lady Henrietta's force, regardless of your transformed abilities and their superior firepower.
Crumple. Toss. Wish. Blow. NOW.
Love,
E
[Spattered with blood and grey matter from slaughtered minions of Torvald Mayberry, this missive nonetheless remains visible and legible for quite a while. Owing to the nature of duct tape, however, it will peel and fall within three weeks. As of this writing, three chances remain: 1) the approaching fire will consume the missive and possibly the tree; if this happens, the missive will neither peel nor fall, but will be burned to ash and never recovered; 2) Reinblatt the Obscurer will arrive to Obscure the missive with lye, spiders and juice of poisonous berries; should this come to pass, it is best that nobody with light in their heart ever find or even see this missive (Reinblatt, while utterly abhorrent, is nevertheless admirably talented in his evil); 3) Uncertainty may prevail: any number of heretofore unknown possibilities could arise to preserve or destroy this missive. There is some speculation that, should it be retrieved by a bird and used to build a nest, the missive will eventually be found, read, duplicated and placed elsewhere so that Veronica may read it in time to alter her path. How it will be found and by whom remain, as of this writing, a mystery.]
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