NFTF: Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show, Part V

FORTUNA: Holy Mother of God!

Professor Zingiber: Ah, yes: I can see that I startled you. But perhaps you can assist me in rescuing Magister Py?

SFX: Moans, squishing earth, mud.

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ...

Professor Zingiber: Oh, dear. It would appear that we've awakened the guard dogs.

FORTUNA: Who are you?! Where did you come from?!

Miss Leo: Zombies? Really?

MOANING VOICES: ... moan ...

Professor Zingiber: I am Professor Hieronymus Carl Friedrich von Zingiber, and I think it in our best interest to skedaddle with alacrity.

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ... moan ...

FORTUNA: Let's go!

SFX: Two sets of retreating footsteps, running.

MUSIC: Banjo ba-ding-dang-dang!

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, on the other side of the house ...

YOKOHAMA: Most mysterious. This lock made entirely of noodle. What key for unlocking noodle lock?

Spandau: Oh my God ...

Miss Leo: It's better than pre-Romero zombies behaving like Romero zombies.

YOKOHAMA: Should I hit lock with rock?

Spandau: Not by much.

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ...

YOKOHAMA: Oh, hello honored undead visitors. Can you tell me what rock breaks lock?

MUSIC: Banjo ba-dang-dang-ding!

ANNOUNCER: And on the darker side ...

Miss Janelle: Did he just say that?

MOANING VOICES: ... moan ... moan ... brains ...

PEARLY WISDOM: Nah-ah, y'all betta keep back, now! Pearly got some Southern Dis-Comfort she about to throw down!

SFX: Two sets of running footsteps, approaching.

FORTUNA: Any luck, Pearly?

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ... moan ...

PEARLY: Nah, them zombified nasties come up outta the ground 'fore I could even shake a rattle. Hey -- who dat? He fine.

MOANING VOICES: ... moan ... groan ...

Miss Leo: Help the Professor!

FORTUNA: This is the Professor. I think we can help him.

PEARLY: I'd like ta help him outta that vest and those nice-fittin' pants ...

Miss Janelle: Good Lord ...

MOANING VOICES: ... moan ... groan ... brains ...

Miss Leo: Please, for the love of God, get on with it!

FORTUNA: No time for that now, they're everywhere!

PEARLY: I'm with you, honeychile: let's high-tail it for the Japster!

SFX: Three sets of running footsteps, retreating.

MUSIC: Banjo and harmonica ba-dang-ding-dang!

ANNOUNCER: Friends, let's take a moment for a nice, relaaaaaxing puff on America's Favorite: Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic, the Cough-less Cigarette.

SFX: Match striking, lighting cigarette, puff-puff, inhalation, exhalation, "Aaaahhh ..."

ANNOUNCER: Yes, Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic, the Cough-less Cigarette is recommended by doctors and movie stars everywhere. Even writers love it. Why, here's celebrated macabre playwright Cadwall H. Wearde!

WEARDE: Hello there!

ANNOUNCER: Mr. Wearde, can you tell us why you love smoking Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic Cigarettes?

WEARDE: You know, I can't.

ANNOUNCER: You can't? What on earth do you mean?

WEARDE: That's just it, Mr. Trinculo: I have no idea why I love smoking these cigarettes so much. Even the name, Fandango Jimijam, it just gets my salivary glands working every time I hear it. Mmm. Fandango ... Fandango Jimijam ... the perfect companion at the movies or in an elevator or even sitting with the kids, right after dinner. Why, just the other day, do you know what happened?

ANNOUNCER: I certainly don't. Why don't you tell us?

WEARDE: Why, I dreamed I was smoking in my writing studio. And every puff was full of that Imported Kentucky savor, do you know what I mean?

ANNOUNCER: I certainly do.

WEARDE: And when I woke up, why, do you know where I was?

ANNOUNCER: No, I don't.

WEARDE: Well -- neither does my wife, and I'm not telling.

ANNOUNCER: [Laughing.] Oh, my! Well, that's just it, folks: Fandango Jimijam is the Cough-less Cigarette, and it's also the Cigarette for the Man's Man.

WEARDE: And that's me: bookish, tweedy --

ANNOUNCER: [Laughing, smiling] All right, Mr. Wearde. You can go now.

WEARDE: But don't you see? That's just it. I can't go. I can't go anywhere. I only exist in these commercials. I'm trapped. And these cigarettes ... they haunt me.

ANNOUNCER: Oh, come now ...

WEARDE: I'm not kidding. Every room I enter, every place I eat. There's always a sign, always a pack. It's almost ... supernatural. It's as though they are taking revenge on me. But for what? What have I done? What have I done?!

ANNOUNCER: Ehrm ... well, now --

WEARDE: I didn't mean to leave them there! I didn't mean to abandon those girls!

ANNOUNCER: Phil, can we cut him off -- ?

WEARDE: I couldn't help it, I had a deadline and their father, their father, that -- monster -- he, he had an axe. I was trying to make them safe, don't you see? I was trying to save them from their monstrous father and their mother's dark witchcraft! LOCKING THEM IN THAT ICE SHED WAS MY ONLY CHOICE! HOW WAS I TO KNOW THERE WERE BITING CLOWNSPIDERS WAITING TO LAY EGGS IN THEIR EYEBALLS?!?!

ANNOUNCER: Mr. Wearde, what on earth are you talking about?!

WEARDE: I'm talking about my new Radio Drama, The Ice Shed, premiering at this time on this station, one week from tonight!

SFX: Thundrous Applause.

ANNOUNCER: Wonderful! Wonderful. We'll see you next week, Mr. Wearde, courtesy of Fandango Jimijam's Healthful Tonic, the Cough-less Cigarette. And now, folks, let's get back to Madame Fortuna and her Harrowing Hexologists -- when last we saw them, they were being pursued by a small army of the undead outside a dilapidated old house in the Township of Zephyrtown, California, in the company of a foreign professor who isn't in our script. At all.

MUSIC: Banjo, harmonica ba-ding-ding-dang!

ANNOUNCER: To be clear, that means YOU, Professor Zingiber. Your time is almost up.

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ...

Miss Leo: This is maddening! Where is Magister Py?

FORTUNA: Who is Magister Py?

MOANING VOICES: ... moan ...

Professor Zingiber: He's the man we're here to save.

FORTUNA: Well, we're here to save Mister Maxwell, Prince Edwardian and the Lady V. So if that interferes with your plans --

PEARLY WISDOM: Don't look now, Madame Fortuna, but them dead-n-uglies is gettin' closer by the second!

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ... moan ... brains ...

Miss Leo: Professor Zingiber! Can you hear me?!

MOANING VOICES: ... moan ... groan ...

PEARLY WISDOM: Hurry up, Captain Chopsticks!

YOKOHAMA: Ah! I have it! Key for noodle lock not rock!

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ...

FORTUNA, PEARLY, Professor: What is it?!

YOKOHAMA: Chopstick!

Miss Leo: Good God, will it ever end ... ?

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ...

SFX: Doorknob rattling, chopstick in lock, CLICK, door creaking open.

FORTUNA: Good work, Yokohama! Let's go!

PEARLY WISDOM: Bout time he did somethin' right!

MOANING VOICES: ... groan ... moan ...

SFX: Many running footsteps.

SFX: Door closes.

MOANING VOICES: ... brains ...

SFX: Zombies thumping against door.

MUSIC: Banjo, harmonica sting.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Whisper, whisper, laughing voices all deride your weaker choices.

SFX: Twinkling, grinding, cutting.

Magister Py: [groan, labored breathing]

SFX: Running footsteps approaching.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: What is coming, who approaches? Let them fill with hot cockroaches.

SFX: Door slamming open, breaking off hinges.

PEARLY WISDOM: Not so fast, Ol' Creeper!

SFX: Liquid splashing.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Aaaaaaarrrghhh! My eyes!

Professor Zingiber: Well done, Pearly!

PEARLY WISDOM: Tha's some Hoyt's Cologne, how you like it in the face, bitch?!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Screaming ouchers, painful vouchers! [Mysterious Voice continues muttering underneath all that follows.]

Miss Leo: Magister Py! Can you hear me?!

FORTUNA: Magister Py! Can you hear me?!

Magister Py: Miss ... Leo ... ?

Professor Zingiber: I can hear you, Miss Leo! We must be at the heart of whatever dark vortex has engulfed this town!

Miss Leo: We'll need everything you've got to get him out of there -- if only we had more help --

SFX: POOF!

Doc: Syzygium Aromaticum!

PEARLY WISDOM: Who dat?

Miss Leo: Dr. H.?!

Doc: Wha-wha-wha-what, now?

FORTUNA: Are you all ... Practicioners?

Professor Zingiber: Yes, now, stand back because --

SFX: POOF! POOF!

Madamiana: ... of the Goddess!

Edward Teacher: ... sure Dr. H. will be right back ... um ...

YOKOHAMA: By the light of my brightly-shining Ancestors ... !

[Whispering. Laughter. Static.]

Miss Leo: Madamiana? Edward Teacher? Everyone! Join Hands around Magister Py!

Professor Zingiber: Miss Leo! I cannot see the face of the Mysterious Voice who was torturing Magister Py! He stands in one corner, and all corners -- behind plants, obscured by furniture --

Miss Leo: Can anyone see him clearly?

ALL, variously: No. / Nope. / Not at all!, etc.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Now you've come to someone's ending, bending for to break the sum;

Miss Leo: Don't let him finish!

Professor Zingiber: We've all joined hands!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Multiple divisions rending, subtractors invited: come.

SFX: Floorboards shattering, breaking.

MOANING VOICE: ... brains ... brains ...

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Magister will speak of quaking, Py will open up the way: let him now release the breaking date this state will float away!

Miss Leo: Now, Rev. Tal! Now!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Leocadia is shaking, none escape my darkling lure, or taking all your souls for baking I am Reinblatt the Obscu --

<< \\ transmission |::| interrupted \\ >>

[Transcriber's Note: Sound unlike any that has ever been heard through any traditional radio leaps forth: described variously as the sound of sunlight, of Angelic Redemption, of all things Good and of Happiness Unbound. All listeners via traditional radio report strange programs and impossible concerts picked up only by that radio ever after (a woman in Santa Cruz, California, swears she has heard KQED broadcast a one-night-only Beatles Reunion concert -- in 2013); listeners via Internet report the transformation of their computer's functionality; it is known that this date marks the advent of the Beneware movement, the secret and untraceable spreading of programs which destroy spam and malware wherever they go. Regardless of China's accusations, no Beneware program has ever been found, identified or traced. No government or group has ever taken credit. To this day, an unresolved matter. It is possible that in the where and when of the reader, none of this has occurred. It is also possible that a great deal more has occurred. Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Company does not take credit for any of this, we are a curio company only. Now, back to you irregularly scheduled programming:]

<< |::| transmission \\ restored |::| >>

MUSIC: Hoobajoo Waltz

Miss Leo: Well now, it looks like we're just about out of time. And, possibly, out of trouble. Magister Py, how you doin', hon?

Magister Py: I ... am going to need some rest.

Miss Leo: Well, Spandau and myself are hopping in the car and heading over there as soon as we're off the air. Are our friends still there with you?

Magister Py: Oh, yes. Professor Zingiber, Dr. H., Edward Teacher and Madamiana are even now checking the boundaries of my property and setting some lights ...

Miss Leo: Honey, you sound wiped. Miss Janelle, let's put this baby to bed.

Miss Janelle: Thank you, Miss Leocadia. And we've come to the end of another Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show, brought to you each week by the Fortunate Juju Trinket Company, deep in the clever redwoods of Trevarno, California -- the town that time forgot -- and online at FortunateJuju.com, and by Holy Mole Ministries, the Itinerant Chapel of Traveling Medicinal Sauces -- available at any number of mysterious crossroads you may encounter -- and on the web at HolyMole.com. I'm your host, Miss Janelle, of Compass Rose Chapel in Humboldt Wells, Nevada, and online at CompassRoseChapel.com. Listen to us live, each week, as our co-hosts, Miss Leocadia of Fortunate Juju Trinket Company, located in Trevarno, California, and Magister Pythagoras, of MagisterPythagoras.com, located in Suisun City, California, are joined by a Special Guest to help clear the bats from your belfry and the bells from your bathouse.

[Miss Leo laughs loudly at this]

Miss Janelle (cont.): And be sure to join us again next week, when our Special Guest will be ... Professor Zingiber, from RARE, Readers and Rootworkers Extraordinaire! Until then, stay healthy, get wealthy, and be stealthy! Bye!

Magister Py: Bye ... now.

Miss Leo: Good night everyone. Py, you hold tight, we're on our way.

Spandau: G'night, everyone.

<< \\ transmission |::| ended 17:01:45 \\ >>