Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Arty Awards

In 2008 I was nominated and won the Best Lead Actor in a Musical award for my performance of Frog in A Year With Frog and Toad. This year, I was nominated for and did not win Best Lead Actor in a Comedy. That honor went to Tommy McPike, who played Garry/Roger in Noises Off. I'm glad he got the award; he certainly deserved it. Carla Spindt won Best Director Of A Comedy, and Noises Off won Best Comedy. So that was thrilling, and she called the cast up to the stage to join her, it was lovely. I got to stand between Liz Andrews and Jessica Salt. Yummy!

My only disappointment for the evening was the opening number, for which I wrote alternate lyrics to TONIGHT from West Side Story. The mics were all fucked up throughout the performance, and so most of the very funny lines were lost. Also, when I altered the lyrics I did not know that five or six people were performing; I wrote for two, because TONIGHT is a duet. Alas! It still got some laughs, when people whose mics worked sang the funny lines, but in the end it rather resembled this year's opening from the Tony Awards: a well-staged number that nobody could hear.

Here, then, are my lyrics and smatterings of dialogue; the dialogue was cut:

MARIA
My Arty, it's the
Only thing I'll see:
My Arty --
In my eyes in my
Words and in
Everything I do
Nothing else but you:
Arty

TONY
And there's nothing
For me but the Arty
Every sight that I see is the Arty

MARIA
Tony, Tony

TONY: (spoken) No, not the Tony -- the Arty! Who wants a phony Tony when they could have a coveted Arty Award right here in the comfort of their very own backwater?
(sung)
My Arty, every-
Thing I'll ever git --
Nothing will compare to it!

TONY & MARIA
All I care about
Is my Arty

MARIA
Tonight, tonight
It all begins tonight
If I win, then I'm
Well on my way

Tonight, tonight
I'm sure I'll win tonight
And I'll bet, they can tell
That he's gay ...

TONY
Today, all day I
Had the feeling
That I should do some shopping
I know now I was right
(They'll see now I am right) <--- MARIA, simultaneous

TONY & MARIA
For here I am
So glamorous! <--- TONY
No, you're just a ham. <--- MARIA
Tonight <--- BOTH

TONY: (simultaneous) Oh, shut up you haggard little hag! That's all you are is a nagging hag, and you know what my mother said about you? She said you're common and probably not worth what your parents spent on that nose job.

MARIA: (simultaneous) I would really appreciate it if you would stop stepping on my lines. Hag? HAG?!?! Well I can think of another word, a word that RHYMES with hag, and a word that it's pretty clear to everyone in the show applies directly to YOU, Princess!

(They stop, suddenly aware of the audience again. They move back to pretty
Musical Theatre places, both physically and emotionally.
)

TONY & MARIA
Tonight, tonight
The lights are very bright
They'll see the zits
All over your face

Tonight, tonight
Please get your lyrics right <--- TONY
You smell bad <--- MARIA
Crack is whack, basket case <--- TONY

TONY
Your voice scares dead
Frogs back to living --

MARIA
You know you'll never win it --
Your loafers are too light

TONY & MARIA
But here we are
And when I win, then
I'll
be a star
Tonight!


© 2009, Edward Hightower. All Rights Reserved.