Notes from the Future: Dead Letter Office III

[The following letter floats, kite-like, attached via lightweight but very strong line to a rusty shovel burned and bent and melted in among rocks at the top of a very tall but as-yet unnamed mountain in the Sierra Nevadas. It is known and noted by the Dead Letter Office, but it cannot be removed from its present location; all attempts to do so have failed, and it has been made clear to the office that the letter will only be released under a very specific set of circumstances. These circumstances include but are not limited to: date, time, wind direction, weather, magic feather, I seen a elephant fly [sic], here come Winky and yes we have no bananas.]

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Item: Letter
Lost: Uncertain; More likely placed; Date Unknown
Found: Fluttering in the wind on peak 10,858 in a currently undisclosed location.
Date Found: Yesterday
Condition: Tomorrow

Dear Reader,

This is not the actual text of this letter. The actual text of this letter must remain secret. What you are reading right now is a mask, an illusion created by your mind in place of the actual text. It is possible that you would not be able to read the text anyway, as it may have been written in a glyph or dialect utterly foreign to your world. It may also have been written by your Aunt Petunio -- the one who liked to pull her dress up at family dinners and who, as a result, has engendered in you a lifelong inability to eat or even look at fried chicken.

This letter has been enchanted. It has been placed here so that, when the time and conditions are right, it will be released to fly, kite-like, to the person or persons who need it most. Whether those people or that peop are/is good or evil remains to be seen. Even that much must be kept from you, in the event that you are an agent of some force which considers itself good. We feel it best to remind you that this letter could come in handy for people on your side. We feel it best to assure you that it could also come in handy for people on the other side. We are not concerned with the stating of your case, we recognize that any charismatic emissary may be convincing enough to sell goodness to Saint Peter. We also recognize that peter is a word for penis, and we invite you to reconsider the Pearly Gates in light of this revelation.

Why, then, are we telling you any of this at all? The answer is simple: leave this letter where you have found it. Do not tamper. We realize that one of you must do his job and take detailed notes. We caution you, sir, that even your notes of this letter will flex and breathe and change over time. This letter has been cast into the river of time and is never the same letter twice. Until it is opened and read by its intended recipients, who are whoever they are when this letter lands, kite-like and unexpected, at the last possible place and time where it could come in handy. Even the phrase "come in handy" draws the mind back to our earlier shared revelation of Saint Penis and the Pearly Gates. Is that how they got so pearly? Did a lot of people come in handy en route? Were the masturbators excluded, and did they grab the gates and shake them, begging admittance? Why would Saint Penis exclude masturbators? If I were Saint Penis, my attitude toward masturbators would be universally inclusive.

As a token of our appreciation for your compliance with our wishes, we offer the following facts which will not change and are perhaps inescapable; you may bank -- or not bank, depending on your viewpoint -- upon the following:

John Muir didn't do it. This means more to those of you who used the Roosevelt/Solomons Trail to get here, but it could come in handy for those of you whose method of ingress was the JMT.

When you have a hair on your tongue, the best way to get it off is to lick cloth.

The series of earthquakes which for some of you begin in 2012 and for others of you begin in 2016 or 2018 are completely unrelated to Mayan calendars or the predictions of funnymental preachers.

Overwinding a pocketwatch will not get you anywhere faster. Underwinding a pocketwatch will not get you anywhere slower. This porridge is just right.

July 4 marks the day when you would be wise to be above 1,000 feet in elevation. The year cannot be determined without dowsing rods. Take caution.

There is one man who will write some warnings on this subject. He will pretend they are fiction, but he is not the man who writes this letter. Sudden silver in his beard is proof he is of the future. The man who writes this letter is fictional. The letter is no less real for having been crafted by an imagined person.

There is one man who has darkness seeded inside him. His fingers on your sex are enough to transmit the shadow. See that you avoid him, unless you wish to be of shadow as well. Note our non-partisan approach. This man was once of the light. The path to enlightenment is steep and winding; it is easy to slip and fall.

Thank you for reading our useful facts. This letter will breathe and change with time. Please wash your hands before and after reading this letter, particularly if you wish to get to heaven, whatever that may mean to you now that we have revealed the true nature of the guardian of the gates.

Sincerely Your Servant In Nothing We May Specify At This Time,

Quincunx Conundrum

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Analysis: Each time this letter is read in these files, it changes. Even the location is in doubt, as recent reports describe this letter atop Mt. Whitney, Half Dome and Mt. McKinley. One unverified report claims this letter is streaming, kite-like, from the highest steeple of the Abbey at Mont Saint Michel. Items remembered but missing from the current text: 
*Beware of Werewolves reading Shakespeare.
*Spankings are good for you.
*Run! Run! Keep running! The fire is closer than you think!
*Trevarno is the Town that Time Forgot.
*You are being watched as you read. Don't look up. If they know you know, they will come for you.
Even upon re-reading the above phrases, we find them silly or disconnected from their earlier import.  Each of us who has read the text cannot remember why we thought the phrases were so important, near-prophetic in nature. Here's another one:
*Get Spanked, Mormons!
Once again, a relatively useless sentence. Though what one intended to write was a dire warning about this letter and its blurring of reality, a warning of world-changing consequences. Writing this sentence is like trying to speak in a dream. Masturbate with friends soon, it increases self-knowledge. Infectious. Worried about what one will say to one's wife tonight.

-- Bradley Q. Puyallup, Postmaster, Montclair Station
December 31, 1982

Notes from the Future: Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show, Part II

Denise: I slept eight hours ...

Miss Leo: And did you have any dreams?

Denise: I dreamed the entire time ... (sobbing) It, it, it, just wouldn't stop -- I dreamed of a place on the mountain near the lava gorge where there were people trapped -- the fire was coming closer and there were these horrible things ... like baby wolves, and they were --

Miss Leo: Okay, okay, okay: honey? Before we go any further, I can tell you're upset, and this is a terrible situation to be in, but I need to ask you a couple other questions, okay?

Denise: Okay ... (sob, ragged breathing)

Miss Leo: When you went to the doctor, did they do -- or did they talk about? -- a psychological evaluation?

Denise: Um ...

Miss Leo: I don't mean to be unkind, dear, it's just something I need to ask. It's very important because you've been, if I understand you correctly, you've been sleep deprived, correct?

Denise: Yes.

Miss Leo: And for how long have you been sleep deprived?

Denise: Months. Since January.

Miss Leo: Oh my. 

Magister Py: That can't be fun for anyone.

Rev. Tal: No indeed.

Miss Leo: And are you saying you haven't had any sleep at all in that entire time?

Denise: No, it started -- small -- at first. The first dream was, it was, lava. Just lava. And rumbling. I woke up and the room was hot and I woke my husband up asking him if he was as hot as I was and he thought I was talking about sex -- oh, no, can I say -- I'm sorry --

Miss Leo: (laughing) Honey, if you listened to this show more, you would know that we talk about more than that at any given time. Oh, my. But, okay, did he, did your husband feel any heat in the room?

Denise: No, but he said I was hot, like with a fever. But it went away in minutes.

Miss Leo: And did you get any more sleep that night?

Denise: Yes. And I didn't have another dream like that for a week.

Miss Leo: And how was the second dream? 

Denise: It was like it had moved up a notch.

Miss Leo: Mmm,kay. Okay. Huh. I see. Alright, well, we could spend all night asking you about this, but I have a very strong feeling about this so I'm going to ask you a couple more questions and we'll get to the reading. Okay, Denise?

Denise: Okay, thank you Miss Leo.

Miss Leo: Oh, that's fine, honey. Thank you. Now, the only prescription the doctor gave you was for sleep? You didn't tell him all about the dreams?

Denise: No, I only said I couldn't sleep. Didn't seem like there was a good reason to tell him about the dreams.

Miss Leo: Well you made the right choice there, honey, I can tell you that.

Magister Py: Mmm-hmm.

Miss Leo: Okay. Alright, now, here's my next question, or my next notion; you tell me if I'm right or wrong here, Denise, but I'm guessing that these dreams slowly, maybe once a week, increased in intensity and frequency --

Denise: Yes. Yes, they did --

Miss Leo: Right, yes, okay, they increased in those ways, and did they also increase in number until you've been dreaming them every night?

Denise: Yes.

Magister Py: Pardon me, miss Leo, but I have to ask this: Denise, did you at any point in these dreams see a burning mountain?

[silence]

Miss Leo: Denise? Hello? Denise, honey, you there?

[silence]

Miss Leo: Uh-oh, looks like we lost Denise.

Denise: I'm here, sorry -- I'm here. 

Miss Leo: And did you hear Magister Py's question --?

Denise: Yes, and -- yes. I saw a burning mountain. I ... how did you know?

Magister Py: Miss Leo, Rev. Tal will confirm that this jives eerily well with the Quincunx Conundrum. We should talk about this. At length. Off the air.

Miss Leo: Or maybe we should talk about it at length on the air, since this is what we do. But for now, back to Denise, Denise, honey, I want to tell you something, are you ready to hear it?

Denise: Okay ...

Miss Leo: Well, like I said, or should have said, but, doesn't matter -- like I always say, I'm not a doctor. But in my professional opinion as a rootworker, you are not crazy. Even the word 'crazy' is not a clinical term, but you know what I mean.

Denise: (breath, sob, another breath)

Miss Leo: Nope, not crazy, honey. 

Denise: Are you sure?

Miss Leo: Well, no, I'm not sure. To be  sure, I would have to be a medical professional and I would have to subject you to a battery of tests that, really, you don't want to go through. So I'm just going to cut to the chase: I was in Berkeley in the 60's and 70's, I know crazy when I see it and when I hear it. You're not crazy.

Denise: What am I?

Miss Leo: Well, on a certain level, that doctor who prescribed you the sleep meds was correct: you're stressed. 

Denise: But -- ?

Miss Leo: Well, hold on a minute and listen to me, honey, there's more in the bottom of this kettle than just fish, as my grandfather used to say. The doctor's right, you're stressed, but you're stressed because of these  dreams. And so, the question to ask yourself is not, how can I sleep and stop dreaming, but, much more importantly, why am I having these dreams at all? 

Rev. Tal: Ah, yes.

Denise: Okay ...

Magister Py: I'm getting the same feeling, Miss Leo, that as soon as Denise knows the why, she may be able to sleep at night. But there's something nibbling at the back of my mind, here: Denise, do you live in San Francisco? Or is there somewhere --

Denise: I live in Hayward --

Rev. Tal: (murmur) Oh, no, of course ... 

Denise: -- My phone number is a 415 area code because I used to work in the city and that's where I got my phone; I'm in the city today, though, so, you know --

Miss Leo: Perfectly alright, honey, so, Py, is there more to that question?

Magister Py: Yes, though I know that the Mighty Reverend Tal has hit upon it, and some of you out there who are following Syzygy with us will have a sense of it. So, Denise: where, exactly, and all I need is the street name, what street in Hayward to you live on?

Denise: Will this -- does this really -- help dreams?

Miss Leo: Just answer the question, honey, what street do you live on?

Denise: I live on Walpert.

Magister Py: Between Mission and Second.

Denise: Yes. How did --

Magister Py: Perhaps I should turn this over to my illustrious colleague, the Right Reverend Doctor Tal --

Rev. Tal: Of course, thank you Py -- so, Denise: do you live in the homes or condominiums close to Second Street?

Denise: No, we live --

Rev. Tal: In the condominiums on the curvy part. Below the graveyard?

Miss Leo: Graveyard. There it is.

Denise: Yes.

Rev. Tal: And when you moved in, did you sign a waiver?

Denise: Yes, but they said it was just a formality.

Rev. Tal: Of course they did. 

Miss Leo: A waiver? What for?

Rev. Tal: Well, Miss Leo, Denise lives in a very special location. She is on a slope, below a graveyard. Now, it's a very old graveyard. But developers and home builders have an unspoken and certainly unwritten rule about selling or renting to people near graveyards. So there's a waiver that people sign, and sometimes it's in the fine print of a seemingly innocuous document, but it basically holds the builders and developers and all their associates, as well as the municipality in which the property is located, blameless. In the event of a haunting, an errant Lady in White or any other untoward phenomena. 

Magister Py: But ...

Rev. Tal: But, indeed. In this case, Denise also lives right next to -- and I mean this literally, because it runs through the undeveloped hillside across the street from her condo -- the Hayward Fault.

Miss Leo: Wait, so what you're telling us, and this is for anyone listening hundreds of years from now, after the entire geography of Northern California is altered in a series of massive cataclysmic quakes or something --

Denise: (sob) Oh, God ...

Miss Leo: Ohhps, sorry, honey, I just say whatever comes into my head sometimes. But, Tal, Py, are you telling us that she lives in between, not just in between but below a graveyard and next to the Hayward Fault?

Rev. Tal: Amen and pass the Earthquake Kits.

Miss Leo: Holy shit. Oops, well, there goes our G Rating.

Denise: They said, they said it was just a formality, it had something to do with an easement and property lines ...

Rev. Tal: I would be surprised if it had been more honest. Look, Denise, I think that there are two things happening here, and the first is that you live right in between a graveyard and a fault line. Both represent fissures in the physical world: one is a literal crack in the ground -- in the Hayward case, you can often see it as a path or indentation with white powder running down the center --

Denise: Oh my God, I've seen that.

Rev. Tal: There you go. The other fissure is more metaphorical or metaphysical, and it's the hole in the ground which represents the gateway between the seen and unseen worlds. So, let's get to the readings to find out what else is going on, here.

Miss Leo: Wonderful. It's as though you're a mind reader, Reverend Tal. 

Magister Py: (chuckling) "As though." Ha.

Miss Leo: This has taken longer than expected, but we used our Panel time to get through this, so we should be on track for the rest of the show. And Magister Pythagoras, why don't you take the first reading?

Magister Py: Well thank you, Miss Leo. I've been smoking my bells and prepping the casting rings as we've been talking with Denise, so if you'll bear with me I'll offer a brief prayer to the powers -- 

(indistinct murmuring, punctuated by deep breaths, with the sounds of rings being tossed over the handles of bells)

Magister Py (cont.): -- and I've tossed the rings as I offered the prayer, so --

(ringing of the first bell) 

Magister Py (cont.): -- thus are the spirits called to our table, thus are the bells of summoning rung --

(ringing of the second bell)

Magister Py (cont.): -- thus is the way cleared, gemtone belltone shifting the smoke to prepare the veil --

(ringing of the third bell)

Magister Py (cont.): -- thus with the ringing of the third bell do we incant and enchant --

Denise: Ramnoroptoron!

Magister Py: Erm ... thus with the --

Denise: Rolgopt, ishmil, tenebris suum aperit inficiuntur crura tibi!

Miss Leo: Denise, honey, what are you up to?

Denise: Comede cloptorops eius tenebrosae ashkrith caro -- 

Rev. Tal: I do believe we have a visitor.

(ringing of the fourth bell)

Magister Py: ... huhuhuhhhhrorroorrraugrrgrgrgruur ... [sic]

 Miss Leo: Py? Py!

Denise:  -- manducate de ak'silfbthtoron eam tenebrosae carnem, convivium smal'kropto in secreto --

Miss Leo: Magister Py, can you hear me?

Rev. Tal: Miss Leo, I've lost him, I can't see him in the stone --

Magister Py: ... huhdusyhh -- uhhhyshhgrorr -- wshyoofrr -- rahsyhsyhyugrrgrghrgruur ... [sic]

Denise: -- in secreto suo lazska'loroptis tenebris et satiare ishnapur anima tua --

Magister Py: -- qurahsyhsyuqhyugrrgrgpquhrgrsalvummefacuur --

Miss Leo: Out, darkness! Out, shadow! Out, infernal connivance!

(interference, transmission faltering, all that follows simultaneous)

Rev. Tal: In All Holy Names of the Blessed Trinity, let Light Blossom where Darkness Attacks --

Miss Leo: -- In Circles Of Light That None May Cross --

Denise: (multiple voices, prominently that of a bellowing child) -- satiare anima cloptorops vestra sub pena et umbra ashkirithic'k donec te repleti Aqchhmal'kropto Ak'silfbthtoron Umbra Semen!

(electronic squeal, telephonic disturbance broken by voices in anguish)

<<:transmission interrupted:="interrupted:">>

Notes from the Future: Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show

Transcript of Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show, air date March 4, 2012

Begin Transcript: 14:59:58

Intro Music: Hoobajoo Waltz

Miss Janelle: Welcome once again to Miss Leocadia's Fortunate Juju Hoodoo Show, brought to you each week by the Fortunate Juju Trinket Company, deep in the clever redwoods of Trevarno, California -- the town that time forgot -- and online at FortunateJuju.com and by Holy Mole Ministries, the Itinerant Chapel of Traveling Medicinal Sauces, available at any number of mysterious crossroads you may encounter, and on the web at HolyMole.com. I'm your host, Miss Janelle, of Compass Rose Chapel in Humboldt Wells, Nevada, and online at CompassRoseChapel.com, and in just a moment we'll be joined by our hosts: Miss Leocadia, of the Fortunate Juju Trinket Company, located in Trevarno, California, and Magister Pythagoras, of MagisterPythagoras.com, located in Suisun City, California -- as well as our Special Guest, Reverend Doctor Tal of SparklightConjure.com in Arkham, Massachusetts. Now let's go to our hostess with the ghostess, Miss Leocadia. Miss Leo?

Miss Leocadia: Thank you, Miss Janelle, what a wonderful introduction. How are things out there in the City of Yesterday's Tomorrow?

Miss Janelle: Oh, things are wonderful here, Miss Leo, thanks so much for asking. Doing a little work, a little thing-thing, getting some wonderful results and just lending clarity and direction wherever I can, giving the gift of the Compass Rose.

Miss Leocadia: Truer words were never spoken, Miss Janelle. And -- I should thank him, I want to make sure I thank him every week -- Reverend Tal has been helping us with our Syzygy Project and we've been letting you all see his progress as he builds the pages for the website which will be one of our sister sites: SyzygyQuake.net. So, thank you, Reverend Tal, your professional input as a geologist and astrophysicist has been invaluable.

Reverend Tal: It's my pleasure, Miss Leo. Anything I can do to lend clear water to our credence.

Miss Leocadia: (laughing) Amen, Rev. Tal! We should have ourselves a good old-fashioned revival when we get the website up. (laughing) What do you think, maybe we could time it with a lunar eclipse -- well, no, we want the website to succeed so we're not going to launch when we've got a lunar or solar eclipse -- we should launch when the Moon is in Taurus, of course, for bounteous fruitfulness -- but we could, we could have ourselves a little white tent revival down by the river on the first lunar -- or solar -- eclipse after we launch the website. Really, just a party, but we could have some fun with that. What do y'all think?

Magister Pythagoras: A most auspicious inclination, Miss Leo. I will certainly be there, with prayer bells on my toes.

Miss Leo: Oh my! (laughing)

Rev. Tal: What could be more fun? I can't wait.

Miss Leo: Done. I'll have Spandau check the calendar and we'll keep an eye out for the best possible dates. So. How are you, Magister Py?

Magister Py: Well, things are sparkly in Suisun City today ... I went for a walk down by the Harbor this morning and it's, well, it's got its own special aroma, so -- even on a brisk March morning, you know, even the stink of the Harbor says, "home."

Rev. Tal: Amen.

Magister Py: Thank you, Reverend Tal. Yes, things are generally lovely here in Suisun City, though there have been some shake-ups in the local Arts scene which could have some devastating effects on the local economy.

Miss Leo: Oh, no! How? Wait -- are you telling me that Suisun City has an Arts scene? More than just some old guy painting landscapes by the water with shaving brushes?

Rev. Tal: (laughing) I think I know that guy ... !

Magister Py: I know, I know, most of us think of Suisun City as the place to take our car when we want to get our radio stolen, but there's actually a thriving theatre right in the heart of downtown Suisun City, and it's directly affiliated with the local college -- so -- can you guess what might be happening to affect the theatre at the heart of Suisun City?

Miss Leo: Ooh, ooh, I know! I know!

Rev. Tal: One too many productions of Joseph?

Miss Leo: I know! I think I know, anyway!

Magister Py: Alright, Miss Leo, what do you think it is?

Miss Leo: Budget cuts!

Magister Py: Bingo.

Miss Leo: Yay! I win! Well, I sort of win. I mean, I knew that because of what's happened over here at Allen Fitzpatrick College in Trevarno: it's just horrible. The State of California, being irresponsible with our tax dollars, has elected to cut the budgets of the state schools. Now, ostensibly those schools are there to serve the students, right?

Magister Py: Amen.

Rev. Tal: Preach, Sister!

Miss Leo: Alright, well, watch me now, I'm only getting warmed up. SO: when the schools' budgets get cut, gutted is more like it, do the administrators take a pay cut in order to keep all the classes open and all the services available for the kids?

Rev. Tal: Yes!

Magister Py & Miss Leo: No!

Rev. Tal: Shocking.

Miss Leo: (laughing) Oh, indeed. Quite shocking. So rather than make some judicious cuts here and there, sacrificing some of their own pay for the good of all, these state and local administrators choose to chop entire programs, they shut down opportunities for the Summer, they slash budgets and make supplies and tools impossible to purchase.

Magister Py: Miss Leo, are you sure you're not hiding out in the Boardroom of Solano College?

Miss Leo: Oh no, I just listen and read. Listen and read, and read and throw. That's me. Just a little old Hippie in the Redwoods, gazing into my scrying stone and shaking my head in wonderment.

Magister Py: Well, you have just described the situation in Suisun City -- and Fairfield -- to a T. The college is moving to cut the Theatre program entirely; they've already axed the Youth Theatre program, they've cut the Conservatory completely --

Miss Leo: Wait, wait, wait -- Conservatory? You mean like a place where plants are grown? Professor Plum in the Conservatory with a Led Zeppelin?

Magister Py: If only it were that easy. No, there was an Acting Conservatory run out of this community college, providing professional training for young actors -- and I mean actual professional actors, directors and designers teaching the classes for these college students. It's been cut, this is the last semester it will ever be there, and the Theatre Department is clearly on the chopping block.  And, to make a long story short, nobody at the college seems to be thinking about the direct, obvious, long-term effects that an empty Harbor Theatre will have on the economy of Suisun City.

Rev. Tal: Of course! Foot traffic!

Miss Leo: Bingo. Yes. Wow. That's really too bad. I might have to ... send a little something their way.

Magister Py: A donation ... ?

Miss Leo: In a manner of speaking. Wow. Gosh. Maybe we should have a special show focused on throwing for the thriving Arts. Okay, so, anything else of note in Suisun City?

Magister Py: A crack house on the next block burned down.

Miss Leo: (laughing) Oh, no, really?

Magister Py: Nothing like the smell of a burning crack house. Local authorities didn't arrive for forty-five minutes.

Miss Leo: Mmm. Surprised much? No.

Rev. Tal: Heck no.

Miss Leo: And what about you, Rev. Tal? How are things along the banks of the Miskatonic?

Rev. Tal: It's early March and we've still got some weather on the way, but my goodness, there's no shadow that a crackling fire and a little well-directed conjure can't dispel.

Miss Leo: Well. I certainly hope so. You know how I feel about that region, Rev. Tal, and you know -- you know -- that I will always help you in any way I can ... but I won't set foot in Arkham, Massachusetts.

Rev. Tal: Ohhh, Miss Leo, you are such a love. Seriously, it makes my work here so much easier to know that I have strong practitioners like yourself and Magister Py at my back.
Miss Leo: You know I would go in person if I could, right?
Rev. Tal: Of course.
Miss Leo: I mean, you really know that, right? That place is ... that place, man, I just. Whoo. I have to stay away.
Rev. Tal: I know, honey, and I understand. Not everyone can deal with what's here. But, one has to follow one's heart, and one's heart is often lead by one's gifts. 
Magister Py: Oh, indeed, Tal, and your gifts are uniquely suited to working  -- and throwing -- in Arkham, Mass. 
Rev. Tal: Thank you, Py. We do what we must. And, aside from the usual --
Miss Leo: Which is a mighty tall order --
Rev. Tal: To be sure, Miss Leo, to be sure -- so, aside from all of that, I'm working with my official students at old Misk. U., and I'm working with my unofficial students from several quarters of the city, not least of which the little school near the fens where I first learned that I had these gifts.
Miss Leo: The little school near the fens? Are you a fen witch now?
Magister Py: (laughing) I don't know if I could see Reverend Tal living in a reed hut on a mud flat ...
Miss Leo: No, but I'm serious, what is the little school by the fens, Tal?
Rev. Tal: Well of course, it's my first -- and fondest -- Alma Mater: T.A.C. --
Miss Leo: Of course! I didn't know it was near some fens. 
Miss Janelle: Miss Leo? We have a --
Magister Py: Miss Leo, you have your conjure blinders on --
Miss Janelle: Miss Leo -- I'm sorry to interrupt --
Miss Leo: There's a time and place for conjure blinders, Py, and as far as I'm concerned, it's anytime and anyplace where Arkham, Massachusetts is on the table. Hoo, I got shivers just thinking about that place.
Miss Janelle: I'm -- I'm sorry, Miss Leo, but we have a call --
Miss Leo: Yes? Miss Janelle? 
Miss Janelle: Miss Leo, I'm sorry, we have a call that -- this, this lady needs to talk to y'all right now. Right now, I'm sorry, she's just -- she seems very upset --
Miss Leo: Well, of course, Miss Janelle, if you're feeling that her need is great --
Miss Janelle: Oh, it is, Miss Leo. Should I -- should I put her on?
Miss Leo: Of course.
Miss Janelle: Okay ... Caller? Area code 415, from San Francisco, California, are you there?
Caller 1: (ragged breath) I'm here. Yes. Thank you (sobbing)
Miss Leo: Oh, no, honey ... no. We're here to help you, honey. We'll help you as best we can.
Caller 1: I just ... I don't know what to do ...
Miss Janelle: Caller, I'm going to read your case to our hosts, alright?, so that they have a little background before they begin your reading -- and she writes, "I haven't slept in months. Every time I start to fall asleep, I burn in lava and when I wake up I still feel the burning. My dreams are of a giant fissure in the earth and thousands of people falling -- or being pushed -- over the edge. Children screaming for their mamas and clawing at the edge as they fall. Each time someone hits the lava, I feel it. I feel this burning and I hear their screaming and it feels too real. Any time I fall asleep, I dream this dream again and awaken screaming. My boss sent me home from work because I frightened my coworkers. How can I stop having these dreams and just get back to sleep? Please help me, I am at the end of my rope. I'm a Cancer with an Aquarius ascendant, and I've never had a reading from anyone before."
Magister Py: Oh, my.
Miss Leo: Caller, honey, what name do you want us to use?
Caller 1: Denise. Just -- that's my name. Denise is fine.
Miss Leo: Okay. Denise. Well, honey, first of all -- before we get to any kind of reading or rootwork, I just have to ask this: have you been to the doctor?

Caller 1/Denise: I ... have. They said I'm, it's just -- stress, and -- they prescribed these pills for sleep and I took them last night.

Miss Leo: And? How did that do for you, honey?

Denise: I slept eight hours ...

Miss Leo: And did you have any dreams?

Denise: I dreamed the entire time ... (sobbing) It, it, it, just wouldn't stop -- I dreamed of a place on the mountain near the lava gorge where there were people trapped -- the fire was coming closer and there were these horrible things ... like baby wolves, and they were --