Notes from the Future: The Ridge, Part II

[Excerpted from audio journal]

[Engine idling, rustling, Edward breathing heavily through his nose]

Veronica: Max, good boy, look who's pooping right there, oh my God that's a lot of poop.

Edward: Max, I would say good boy to you, too, and I do!

Voice: And Azazel said let the dogs be the signs, let the dogs lead the sinful to their reward. And the dogs did lead the sinful to their reward. And their reward was just.

Veronica: Oh God ...

[crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crakc rka ckra crka ckra ckr akc rka ckr akc rka ckr akc rka ckr akc krak ckr akc rkakc rka akc rka ckrkakc rakc rka ckrakc rka ckrakc krak ckar akc rka ckra kakcr ak ckra kckrak ckr akckarkkckarkadfkckarkfcckarkc cfrack]

Edward: That's a lot of Mean Greenies. Not creepy at all.

Veronica: Shhh.

Edward: Who's the ugly hippie with the scraggly beard?

              Dude, that's my dog. Let go of his leash.

Veronica: Max, come.

Voice: And the sinful did beg for their dog. And the Prophet did ask that they pay a toll. But the sinful evaded the toll. And the dogs did lead the sinful to the Prophet. And the Prophet asked nicely.

Minions: And the Prophet asked nicely.

[Wind, car idling.]

Edward: Does anyone have some turkey? I am really hungry.

Veronica: Max. Come.

Voice: And the reptoraptorons cowled for their hungers!

Minions: And the reptoraptorons cowled for their hungers!

Edward: The Decepticons whatwho, now?

Voice: And the Prophet offered them their freedom. If they would but pay a toll.

[Wind, car idling.]

Veronica: What is the toll?

Voice: And the Whore did ask of payment. And the Prophet was kind and did lick his choppy chompers, for he knew it was almost time. 

Minions: For he knew it was almost time.

Edward: Do you guys say everything he says? (Do you guys say everything he says?)

Voice: And the Man was Lost! And the Man was Confused! And the Prophet asked if they would pay this toll!

Veronica: What is the toll?

Voice: And the Whore did ask of payment again. For she was a Whore.

Edward: Hey.

              Anyone here ever eaten dog food? Because I am famished.

[Sound of Edward rummaging one-handed as Voice speaks:]

Voice: In a land without certainty, there can be no Government. In a land with no Government, there can be no currency. In a land with no currency, there can be no payment. Save flesh.

Edward: Sounds messy.

Veronica: What do you mean, "flesh"?

Edward: Dude, are you guys sex cultists?! Do you have any redheads?! I would totally join a sex cult with a high percentage of willing firecrotch!

Voice: And the Sinful were confused and stupid, as are all the Sinful in this land. For they did not understand the Prophet, who spoke of one thing. One nibble. One bite. One fleshly taste the key to freedom, the open door just one mouthful away. 

[Car idling. Wind.]

Edward: Christ, my head hurts. I taste blueberries. Maddening.

Veronica: Who does the biting?

Voice: The Whore understands. The Whore, perhaps, wishes to pay the price? The Prophet has feasted on whores this night, their flesh though tainted is savory.

Edward: Do you floss between whores? Seems prudent.

Veronica: We are not paying any toll.

Voice: And the Sinful were ignorant. And the genitals of the dogs looked sweet. And the Prophet was ready to exact any toll. And the dogs were leashed and they could not escape. And the Prophet suggested that the Sinful reconsider.

Veronica: The Sinful need to confer.

Voice: The Prophet is nothing if not magnanimous.

[Footsteps as V returns to car, creaking car and seats as she leans in; voices sotto until otherwise indicated:]

Edward: Do I understand this fucker?

Veronica: I think he was the one biting people at Bollinger.

Edward: How the fuck does he have Max? And how did they get up here so quickly? Can we run him down without hurting our boy?

Veronica: Too risky. And we're not a tank.

Edward: Attitude is everything.

              Whoa-sers.

Veronica: What?

Edward: Lot o morphine.

Veronica: Still? I may have given you too much.

Edward: No sugh thing, monkey lady. Oop, eep ooop.

Voice (shouting): See how the Sinful plan to abandon their boy! See how they conspire to feed him to us?!

Edward (shouting right back): And the Prophet did shut the fuck up!

[Gasps from the Mean Greenies; sound of V getting out of car; driver's door still open.]

Voice: O False Prophet!The Sinful carry no currency! Let us take what payment we choose!

Veronica: Give us our dog!

Voice: Pay the price!

Edward: And Azazel did say unto him, be ye now the True Prophet! And he did hom-a-nom-a-nom-a-hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana-ding!-bang!-zoom!-hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana-om-nom-nom-dot-com-and AZAZEL did say unto them, those who doubt this false prophet, this Cannibal!, let ye now listen donkey! The Walter Cronkey! The frangle-prangle snood of Truth!

Veronica (sotto): Honey ... 

 Voice: And the Worshipful did Know Falsehood When They Heard It!

Edward: And -- yeeeeesh -- and the False Prophet's words did Sicken the True Prophet -- but the Rinkledank was Cranked in the Frankhole -- ! Oh, fuck ...

[Edward vomits again, messily, all over himself.]

Veronica: Eeew, oh God, that's gross.

Edward (between heaves): And huuuuaaauughhh [splash], the Darkness of the False Prophet! [splaaaaaash] Did so disgust [splash, gasp, cough, choke, splaaash] the True Prophet! That he did vomit up his soooooul -- [splash, heeeeeave] -- and those among them that had Doubt, also had Pity --

Voice: The Judgement of the Prophet found the sinful lacking --

Edward: Bringle-brangle sassafras, John Chomley, John Chomley, Louise! Jones! So saith the Lord! Rakataka! Rakataka! Chinamen on the MOOOOOOON! That way lies only Brinkle-Brankers, Ran-Tronkerous Fust-Ooblefweeks!

Voice: The Prophet seeth the truth --

Edward: Snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Voice: The Prophet --

Edward: Rrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamalama-Ding-Dong!

Voice: The --

Edward (opening passenger door, struggling to get out): AAAAAA! My LEG! False Prophecy has broken my leg! I am burned by falsehood! Do none have pity? None at all? Shall there be no firecrotch to soothe my yersty spoogle?! Smaka-laka-smaka-laka-smaka-lakalaka-smaka-laka-smaka-laka-smaka-laka-smaka! YeeeeeOOOOUUUUUCH!

[Voices have begun to murmur from among the Mean Greenies.]

Voice: Ignore this interloper! Be not appeased! Be not sated! Hunger for his dog's genitals, as do I!

Edward (very fast, shaking as with seizure): Ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh ...

Lady Minion: He's got the Tremors!

Voice: No!

Man Minion: He's a Prophet of the Lord!

Edward: The Flaming Mountain is the first Sign! The earth shall quake again, and the Faithful shall get their reward! As the Mountain spews Lava to cleanse the world of Wickedness, so the True Prophet ...
              ... oh, honey ... there's beehives in my brain ...

[Rustle, slide, thump as iPhone is dropped to car floor.]

Veronica: You should let us go.

Woman Minion: You cannot go, if he is a Prophet.

Voice: He is not a Prophet! I am the only Prophet.

Man Minion: How do we know that?!

[Chorus of mingled assent and derision from Minions]

Woman Minion: Maybe he was meant to cross the Gorge! Maybe he was sent to us! It could be a test, and there is only one way to find out! Do you want to risk our souls, here and now at the end of everything? Can we let fear and judgement guide our every moment? What reward will come of that?

Voice: You dare! You dare to Question! The Word of the Prophet is Law!

[Low rumble, growing louder, sounds like an 18-wheeler grinding gears uphill on a steep, steep grade; rustling as car shakes; Minions cry out in alarm, Max is barking in terror; even louder reports, sounds of great explosions from far away; voices raised in dismay, terror, some are singing Hymns of praise. Prophet is trying to shout them down the whole time, though his words are lost in the jumble of sound; after a time things calm down and this can be discerned among the rest of the sounds:]

Woman Minion: And I see it in a vision from the Lord. The Mountain spits more Fire! The Earth shakes, as he said! I see it in a vision from the Lord. The Earth has shaken again, and yet we are safe! We are all safe. This man needs our help. His presence may have saved us. We must help him, it is our duty as the Faithful.

Man Minion: She may be right!

Voice: She may be wrong. What then, O Faithful Ones!? What then?!

Man Minion: Look at his leg. How can he hurt us? His wounds are getting infected. 

Voice: ... Let us not fear the Weak. Wise words, Ezekiel.

Woman: I feel we can help these people see the One True Way. They came to us.

Voice: The Prophet will consider these words. Ezekiel, take the woman and her dog to the Compound. Rachel, drive their car to the compound. Ezekiel, go with her so she is not tempted to fellate the injured sinner like the Slut each woman carries in her darkest heart.

           The Prophet will wait here with Ezekiel, Ezekiel, Rachel and Ezekiel. The rest of you are to spread out. They may have others following them. Wait in the shrubs and ditches, waylay any interlopers.

           Rachel is not to feed or water the injured sinner. She is only to move him into the compound. The woman and the dog may be kept together, the more easily to pay the toll should anyone be found to have followed.

           Go now, Children of the Prophet. Be stealthful and divide.

[Voices murmur indistinct as minions do the Prophet's bidding; we hear Veronica say, "Max. Good boy ..." and a male voice say, "This way, Ma'am ..." as the driver's seat flips forward and someone crawls into the back of the car; driver's seat is flipped back, someone sits in the front seat; driver's door is closed. Car is put in drive, easing forward, gravel crunching under tires. After a time, as voices fade behind the car:]

Rachel: That was close.

Ezekiel: Shhh.

Rachel: They can't hear us.

Ezekiel: Caution is best.

Rachel: Diagnosis?

Ezekiel: Fever, definitely infection. We need to keep him hydrated.

Rachel: Do you think ...

Ezekiel: What?

Rachel: What he said about the mountain and an earthquake, and then it happened, seconds later.

Ezekiel: Do I think he's an actual prophet? No. I think he's an injured man, desperate to survive, grasping at straws. And lucky.

Rachel: Maybe we are lucky, too. This could be just what we need.

Ezekiel: Shhh ...

[Car braking, slowing, idling; footsteps on dirt and gravel.]

Guard: The Sinful Must Pay.

Rachel & Ezekiel: So Saith The Prophet.

Guard: Who's he?

Rachel: Prophet says he's to be cared for. He spoke True Words tonight, before the Mountain spat again.

Guard: But ...

Rachel: We follow the Word of the Prophet. Do you?

Guard: ... So Saith The Prophet.

Rachel & Ezekiel: So Saith The Prophet.

[Car moving as chain-link gate is dragged, creaking, over gravel and dirt.]