I'm willing to bet that the following are not limited to the Bay Area, but it's where I live right now so there you go.
1) Precast, but don't tell anyone; then, keep actors who want that role until very late at night, only seeing them for roles that are not their type. (Make sure you've precast your friends, you'll need them around you when those other actors realize what you've done.)
2) Make a verbal offer of $250.00 per week; this will seem like a lot of money to the actor, who probably doesn't do it for a living (this being the Bay Area and all). Later, after the actor has signed a probably unread contract, you will only pay $250.00 total; because actors are generally stupid and financially ignorant, they probably won't catch this clever switcheroo. If they do, and if they have the gumption to say anything, you can just deny it. After all, who is going to believe the lowly actor stupid enough to agree to a mere $250.00 per week?
3) Be really excited about offering experienced professional actors tiny roles for tiny pay in doomed productions. Be surprised when they resist your casting advances. Express doubt about their professionality at a later date. Over time, pretend to forget that the role you offered was totally wrong for the individual in question, and add some snarky detail about their personal hygiene or sex life. This will make everyone trust your judgment and want to work at your theatre.
4) Assume that if an actor has a lot of musicals on their resume, they cannot act. After all, musicals are the easiest thing in the world, and all the "actors" have to do is sing, dance and act at the same time. Anyone can do that. If the actor is female and has nice tits, put her in a small supporting role because this will be seen as proactive and liberal. If the actor is male, he is probably gay. Gay men cannot do Shakespeare unless they are Ian McKellen, and since this guy is not Ian McKellen, he is just a gay Musical Theatre person scrambling for legitimacy by wasting your time in his desperate attempt to hit it big in your revelatory East Bay production. I don't care how butch he is, musicals = gay.
5) Don't tell anyone about your musicals = gay equation. Nobody else holds this opinion. It's your secret weapon. Come up with clever euphemisms like, "a little too Jerry Herman for this legit Shakespeare Factory," or, "if I'd wanted my cock sucked in the audition, I would have let some Musical Theatre Non-Actor in out of charity." Statements like these will subtly hint at your opinions without ever giving anything away. When directly questioned, pretend ignorance and change the subject. If publicly confronted, throw a tantrum. You deserve it, you slaved over your presentation at the Jr. College and your mom used to be Mayor.
6) Tell an actor you'll set up an audition time. Never call them. Do not respond to their e-mails or phone calls. When you see them in public, introduce yourself as though it's the first time you've met.
7) Never call an actor to tell them if they've got the part or not. If they don't show up for rehearsal, blacklist them. When you see them in public, introduce yourself as though it's the first time you've met, but sanitize immediately after shaking hands. If they ask why you never called, smile and shake your head sadly and say things like, "Let's be honest, okay?", followed by some esoteric observations you can remember from the time the LA Casting Agent humiliated you in the Adler workshop.
8) Blame actors for changes in performance schedules at other companies for which they work. Be sure to hold a grudge. Refuse to cast these actors ten, twenty years later. You are a professional, and by god you will rub their nose in that scheduling problem every chance you get -- even if it means vetoing a new director's casting at your company. It's important to establish your power.
9) Fire actors and directors who've worked together before; casting one's friends is unprofessional. Also, fire actors under 30. Only hire your friends to come in as a last resort, and be sure to mention in your nightly curtain speech that this is not something you would usually do. Practice your beleaguered expressions in the mirror. Ignore the rumors that your husband is sleeping with other men.
© 2009, Edward Hightower. All Rights Reserved.
ouch.
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